Toaster's Ramblings - The Convergance of the Secret Wars (or How Marvel and DC Had the Same Summer Event)

It seems that Marvel and DC both have pretty much run the same storyline event for the summer. Both Secret Wars and Convergence deal with time and reality getting smashed together into a jumbled mess of different characters from different worlds, where they all fight and eventually everything gets (sort of but not really) rebooted. I do find it amusing that DC has had the New 52 around less than five years and already needs to do a "soft" reboot. (A soft reboot, by the way, is when some parts of a universe get a fresh start while others continue on as normal.) Now maybe it was just a coincidence that both comic companies ran similar events, but I doubt it. Marvel has apparently been working on Secret Wars for five years, while reviews suggest that Convergence felt rushed in many ways. DC probably got wind of what Marvel was planning and set out to do their own version and release it a few months early (Convergence started this past Spring and is already over. Secret Wars is currently ongoing.)

Honestly, I haven't been following either event. Five dollars an issue for Secret Wars is too much, I would rather wait for a trade edition. As for DC, I'm pretty much done with them. Not only have I grown to hate the New 52, but DC decided to implement a new way of placing advertising into their comic books...

DC You? More like DC... You Suck!

Yeah, so as long as that ridiculous shit is going on, I'm out. If Marvel does it too, I'll be done with them as well. I don't mind a page add, or even a two-page add, but I will not share comic book art and storyline on the same page as an advertisement. That's bullshit. Not only does it take you out of the story, but it is disrespectful to the very medium of comic book art. Imagine if instead of specific commercial breaks on television, commercials randomly play in the middle of your show. Let's say you're watching CW's Arrow and Ollie is about to fight Deathstroke and just as the first punch is thrown, we cut to a Clearasil commercial, then go back to the punch in mid-swing. It would kind of piss you off, now wouldn't it? Well, split-page ads piss me off just the same way.

I don't really know what the post-Convergence DC universe looks like, but the Marvel one is interesting. First of all, much of the pre-Secret Wars developments remain intact. Falcon is still the new Captain America and Steve Rogers is still old. Thor is still a woman (Jane Foster). Wolverine is still dead. The Fantastic Four, as a team, is also dead with Human Torch hanging out with the Inhumans and Thing the new pilot for the Guardians of the Galaxy. I'm not really sure where Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman will end up, though the latter was an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. before the event.

The list of the post-Secret Wars title launches has been released and while some really don't interest me at all, others are quite intriguing. Here are my thoughts on the upcoming books:

A-Force #1 - AKA the "female Avengers." Seems a little on the nose to me. "You want more gender diversity? Have an entire book of woman Avengers!" It almost borderlines on gimmicky to me. I will say that there seem to be far more women Avengers than their were in the 90's when most seemed to be female versions of popular male heroes (She-Hulk, Spider-woman), but that may just be due to the fact that in the last 10 years, EVERYONE seems to be an Avenger. I also wonder, who will a team of female Avengers fight? Will they face female villains? How many female villains does Marvel have that are an Avengers level threat? I might thumb through the first issue to see what this book is like, but I don't expect much.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. #1 - I don't watch the show, why would I read the comic?

All-New All-Different Avengers #1 - I might actually get a subscription to this one. I like the younger line-up of Nova (Sam Alexander), Ms. Marvel and Spider-man (Miles Morales) contrasted with veterans like "Falcon America," Jane Foster Thor, Iron Man and Vision. It has a Young Justice vibe to it.

All-New Wolverine #1 - While it's interesting that X-23 is the new Wolverine, I doubt I will buy the book.

All-New X-Men #1-  So are they still the original X-men from the 60's (or whenever they're supposed to come from, something tells me the present Cyclops isn't in his mid-50's)? I don't know. I didn't read the book before and I'm pretty sure I won't read it now. It seems like the novelty of young versions running around with their older counterparts would have worn off by now.

Amazing Spider-Man #1 - I'm guessing this is the Peter Parker Spider-man since Miles Morales has the non-adjective Spider-man book. I don't know... I might look at it. Maybe it will be unique. I doubt I will buy it, though.

Angela: Asgard’s Assassin #1 - I liked when Angela was time-displaced and hung out with the Guardians of the Galaxy, having a friendly rivalry with Gamora. Then for some reason it was revealed she was Asgardian... which is weird. I guess Marvel wanted to start over with her back-story, but I would have preferred that she is the same character from Spawn that now is stuck in the 616 universe... and occasionally alludes to her former life. I'm just not sure I care about her as Asgard's assassin... the Asgardians already have Sif and the Jane Foster Thor... I might flip through the book, but I doubt I will be impressed.

Ant-Man #1 - Never been much of an Ant-man fan. The whole shrinking thing never seemed that useful unless you are evil (like Atomica in Forever Evil). Then you can scramble people's brains or enter their body and grow to normal size so your victim pops like a balloon. But commanding an army of ants? Um... I guess you could get them to bring you all the loose change on the ground for miles around. I guess there are actual uses in espionage, but I never really cared. I doubt I will pick up this book.

Captain Marvel #1 - I'm glad that Carol Danvers is getting her due as Marvel's elite super heroine. However, I haven't read any of her books so far. Not sure if I will start here, either.

Carnage #1 - I don't get the point of this one. Is Carnage still a serial killing monster or are they trying to make him a hero now? Either way, I'm not sure it will work as an ongoing series.

Contest of Champions #1 - Place your bets now about how long this book will last! If the writer's are smart, there will be an end point, like with Avengers Arena. This is not a premise that will last long.

Daredevil #1 - I might flip through this book. I loved the Netflix series (who didn't?) and am curious if Marvel will try to make the comic more like the show. I think Daredevil is in serious need of new villains, good new villains. Most of his villains are lame. They can't just keep going back to Kingpin and Bullseye. Like I said, I will give it a once over, but I'm not expecting much.

Deadpool #1 - I like Deadpool and as such will probably get this book. The writers, however, have big shoes to fill. The previous volume's writing team, including comedian Brian Posehn, made a really good run full of hilarity, some genius moments (the various "lost" throwback issues of Daredevil from decades past), and a great supporting crew including ghost Ben Franklin.

Doctor Strange #1 - Maybe the film will give me new appreciation for the Sorceror Supreme, but it won't be in time for me to start reading this book.

Drax #1 - I will check this book out for one reason... former WWE star CM Punk is co-writing. It doesn't guarantee that the book will be any good, but like with any celebrity writer, it's worth a look.

Extraordinary X-Men #1 - Good news... in addition to being Uncanny, All-New, All-Different, Extreme and Astonishing, the X-men are also Extraordinary. It has an interesting line-up with Colossus, Iceman, Jean Grey (from the past), Nightcrawler (whom I thought was dead), Magik, Storm and Old Man Logan... because Marvel is really serious about Wolverine staying dead. Will Jean Grey discuss with the Iceman of the present about how his past version is gay? Only time will tell. I might glance at this book, but I'm not expecting anything "extraordinary." (see what I did there? I'm clever.)

Guardians of the Galaxy #1 - I was reading the previous run and loved the Abnett/Lanning run that has inspired a new age for Marvel's space universe and renewed love for many forgotten characters. (Ten years ago, did you think you would see a movie starring Star-Lord? Did you even know who the hell Star-Lord was? My point exactly.) Brian Michael Bendis is still writing this new volume, but I guess now Rocket Raccoon is the leader and Thing is the new pilot. And Star-Lord is a woman. I'm game, why not?

Hawkeye #1 - The only time I ever read a Hawkeye book was when he led The Thunderbolts way back when. I'm okay with leaving it that way. If I need my bow and arrow fix, CW's got me covered.

Howard the Duck #1 - Um... no.

Howling Commandos of S.H.I.E.L.D. #1 - This one will be among the first wave of cancellations, mark my words. Unless they go back in time to fight Nazis with the real Howling Commandos... that I would check out.

Illuminati #1 - What is the purpose of a book about the elitist secret club of Marvel? Do they fight as a team? Are they a team? Do I care? I can answer one of those questions.

Invincible Iron Man #1 - I might glance at this book. Here's the thing, I love the movie version of Tony Stark, because Robert Downey Jr. gives the character a great deal of wit and fast comedic timing, because if not for those, let's be honest, we would all think Tony Stark was a self-righteous prick. Well, the Tony Stark of the comics, even after the debut of the first Iron Man movie, is a self-righteous prick. However, I did enjoy Tony Stark during his brief tenure with the Guardians of the Galaxy. Why? Because Brian Michael Bendis writes Tony as witty and fun. So, since he's writing this book, I will give it a look.

Karnak #1 - The only reason I'm going to check out this book is because Warren Ellis is the writer. I expect I'm not the only one who shares that sentiment.

The Mighty Thor #1 - Is this still Jane Foster Thor? That's cool. I didn't read her book before Secret Wars, why mess with success?

Ms. Marvel #1 - I missed the boat on this book. I've heard great things and will probably check out trades of the previous volume. As such, I might thumb through this new volume.

New Avengers #1 - Not sure why they didn't just call this A.I.M.: Avengers Idea Mechanics. This line-up is crazy. The team is led by Sunspot and features Wiccan, Hulkling, Squirrel-girl, Hawkeye, Power Man, White Tiger and Songbird. I may have to check this book out based on the line-up alone. However, I am not confident on this book's success.

Nova #1 - I love Nova. I was a fan of Richard Ryder. I came to love Sam Alexander was well. The cover of this new book shows Sam in his Black Nova get-up with an adult dressed in classic Nova Corp attire. My question is... is that adult Sam's dad or Ryder back from the dead? (Really hoping for the latter.) This is one book I will be picking up.

Old Man Logan #1 - So what, is Old Man Logan now in the 616 Marvel universe? Do I care? Not really.

Sam Wilson, Captain America #1 - I'll be honest, the only time I ever gave a shit about Falcon was in Captain America: The Winter Soldier. I don't really get why he is Captain America. Does he have the Super Soldier Serum? Otherwise he's Falcon with a shield. I'm still not really giving a shit.

Silk #1 - I know nothing about this character except she is somehow connected to the "Spider-verse" which I guess is a thing now. Is their also a Hawkeye-verse and a Paste-Pot Pete-verse?

Scarlet Witch #1 - I've never been a big Scarlet Witch fan, so... yeah.

Spider-Gwen #1 - She's got a following, but I've never read anything about the alternate reality Gwen that got powers. It's still part of the Spider-verse. I want to read a book about the Groot-verse!

Spider-Man #1 - I think it's cool that Miles Morales will be the main Spider-man after Secret Wars. He's a great character that allows Marvel to explore Spider-man in high school again without resorting to deals with Mephisto or de-aging Peter Parker. Best of all, Miles' creator, Brain Michael Bendis, is writing the book. I might check this book out... partly to know how Miles came to be in the 616 universe when Parker is still alive (unless he's the same from the Ultimate universe and just "displaced"). I'm not always on board with Bendis, but he does to Spider-man really well.

Spider-Man 2099 #1 - Way back in the day I actually had a subscription of Spider-man 2099 mailed to my house (the town I was raised in was without a comic shop of it's own). The book was only okay, primarily for a lack of great, memorable villains. I mean, Spider-man has the best rogues gallery of any hero in the Marvel universe, yet his counter-part from a hundred years in the future really didn't have many to speak of. I'm actually having a tough time remembering any beyond 2099 versions of Vulture and Venom. There was a cyborg bounty hunter whose name escapes me and some guy named Thanatos that looked like a Roman gladiator (no, his skin wasn't purple, I don't think he had anything to do with that Thanos). I think the new book takes place in the 616 universe, so I guess he can borrow current Spider-man villains. I doubt I'll read the book... I might flip through it out of curiosity. I like his costume at least.

Spider-Woman #1 - Never cared for Spider-woman. I'll pass.

Squadron Supreme #1 - I might check this one out. It could be interesting... or it could be a waste of time. It's a real toss-up.

Star-Lord #1 - Why is Star-Lord a woman? I thought I saw cover art that showed the character with a feminine body. But then I saw another where he was wearing his trademark mask while wearing an astronaut outfit and a "Quill" name badge... so I have no idea what is going on. I might flip through the book to see if they answer it, but I doubt I'll care enough to buy the comic.

The Totally Awesome Hulk #1 - Is the Hulk "totally awesome" now? He has been Incredible and Invincible and... red. Why is he awesome? I guess he may be someone other than Bruce Banner. After Red Hulk, Skaar, A-Bomb, She-Hulk and Red She-Hulk, that's just what we needed. As long as he's "totally awesome."

Web Warriors #1 - So it's another book based on the Spider-verse, but this time loosely affiliated with a cartoon? I don't get it.

Ultimates #1 - So it's a book with nothing to do with the Ultimate universe. It's just an Avengers book under a different name. It has Black Panther, the current Captain Marvel, the past Captain Marvel (Monica Rambeau) as Spectrum, and Blue Marvel... a character that a month ago I had never heard of. Might glance at it, but I am doubtful I'll buy it. 

Uncanny Avengers #1 - So this book is kind of odd for me. Initially, I loved the book. It fulfilled that craving I had for super teams fighting massive threats, first with the Red Skull, then against the Apocalypse Twins. Then, the book got weird. Havok, one of my favorite X-men, got disfigured... like on a Two-Face level. Wolverine lost his healing factor and would soon be dead, Steve Rogers was old, Rogue had absorbed Wonder Man... then after the Red Onslaught storyline, the entire line-up changed (save for Scarlet Witch and Rogue). I wanted to like the new line-up. It had Quicksilver, whom I haven't read in a book since X-Factor and there was Sabretooth, seeking redemption. However, the team focused all of it's time fighting the High Evolutionary... a character I've never really cared for. Plus, we were treated to the old Avengers soap opera from back in the day that led to my hating the book and team... the bizarre love triangle (obligatory New Order reference) of Scarlet Witch, Vision and Wonder Man. Ugh... so stupid. This new book once again has a new line-up adding Spider-man, Human Torch, some new chick named Synapse and Deadpool. I will give the book another shot.

Uncanny Inhumans #1 - I've never been huge on the Inhumans. I like them as part of the overall Marvel universe, but not for their own stories and drama. I doubt I will get this book.

Uncanny X-Men #1- This is a book that intrigues me. It has Magneto leading a team with Psylocke, Mystique, Fantomex and Sabretooth... with some other as yet to be revealed mutants. It's like a Brotherhood of Mutants team under the X-men banner. I will definitely check this one out.

Venom: Spaceknight #1 - I doubt this book will last. Despite the popularity of the character, a Venom-centric book has never been a big hit. I do like the reinvention of the character with host Flash Thompson. Instead of a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, this is apparently continuing his space adventures since joining the Guardians of the Galaxy. But what's this "spacknight" thing? Is that like Rom the Spaceknight? It might be interesting, but I have my doubts about the book's future. I will give it a once-over however.

The Vision #1 - Remember how I said I was never a Scarlet Witch fan? The same applies to Vision. The two of them made an awful soap opera storyline for so long... I hated the Avengers for years because of them. 

So yeah. I will have some new Marvel comics to check out and will avoid DC like the plague.  Time will tell whether this will improve the Marvel Universe, or make it more convoluted, or have no effect at all. I'm just glad they haven't gone the New 52 route and rebooted everything. I think at that point I just would have been done with comics... except indies. Come to think of it, I should check out indie books more often. Valiant's been looking pretty good lately. 

Until next time, Stay Strange!

Toaster's Ramblings - Marvel's Killing Spree Edition

Marvel seems to be hell bent on killing it's most popular characters. I already talked about the disbanding of the Fantastic Four, but that's not really what I mean. While Marvel is killing the team, it's not apparently killing off Mr. Fantastic, Invisible Woman, Human Torch of the Thing. Plus, the Fantastic Four hasn't really been popular in decades.

What I am referring to started a couple of years ago with Marvel "killing" Peter Parker to set up the Superior Spider-man storyline where, through confusing comic book logic, the mind of Dr. Octopus took over Spider-man's body and he decided to use his new situation to become a better hero than his nemesis. Somehow, this story didn't turn out to be as bad as it probably should have been. In fact, I've heard it was good and an interesting change of pace for the character. Unfortunately, I think this has emboldened Marvel to start doing other drastic changes. Steve Rogers loses the super soldier serum in his blood and rapidly ages his body into a frail, elderly one and forcing him to pass the torch to Falcon... creating an excuse for Marvel to have a black Captain America. Thor becomes unworthy for some reason and now there's a female Thor.

And then there's the Death of Wolverine event, where Marvel's (arguably) most popular character was killed off after losing his healing factor. I'm not really sure why they would do this. You need to realize that Wolverine has made Marvel a lot of money. He has had numerous solo books, he's been on line-ups of the Avengers, X-men, X-force and even the Fantastic Four. Wolverine has also been a long favorite to make a guest appearance to boost sales of other titles. All of that has ended... and for what?

I guess there is a cuurent storyline where Sabretooth will be trying to atone for his past sins by trying to be a hero in Wolverine's place as he will be part of the new Uncanny Avengers line-up. Apparently his evil nature was permanently altered with the events of Axis. This is oddly not the first time Sabretooth was sued to fill the void left by Wolvie. After Wolverine had gotten his adamantium ripped out, the villain Genesis tried to re-bond the metal to Logan's bones, only for his body to reject the adamantium, for some reason turning Wolverine into a feral nose-less pirate. (Seriously) During that time, Sabretooth was held captive by Xavier in an attempt to rehabilitate him and Sabretooth helped the X-men in a few battles. That didn't last and I'm guessing at some point Sabretooth will be evil again. I mean, come on... how many villains does Wolverine really have?

I'm sure the Death of Wolverine arc made some money, despite the obvious fact that at some point Logan will likely return from the dead, just as Spider-man, Batman and Superman had before him. There is that old saying that "nobody stays dead in comics." That's not a positive thing when you think about it. It means that deaths in comics are far too often used as a gimmick to increase sales. Occasionally, a death will be permanent or at least a character will remain deceased for a long time. Jean Grey became a running joke for her many deaths and resurrections, but her regular continuity character has remained dead for about a decade now (though the young version of her is running around after being brought to the present... again, confusing comic book logic). Jason Todd, the second Robin, remained dead for almost 20 years! And by the looks of things, the original Nova, Richard Ryder, will remain dead indefinitely while the current Nova, Sam Alexander, is running around. However, none of these characters were A-listers. Everyone knew Superman, Spider-man and Batman would be back from the dead before too long. It's the same for Wolverine too.

What really inspired me to start this rant was actually the news that Marvel is now planning to kill Deadpool! That's right, the insanely popular cult favorite "Merc with a Mouth" is going to die for some reason... again. (Seriously, he died about ten years ago... it didn't take.) This pisses me off. Marvel Now's Deadpool comic is one of the best today, with comedian Brian Posehn as a co-writer. The comic is really funny, amazingly creative and has real heart to it without at all compromising the humor or the character himself. So of course Marvel is going to end the comic.

I won't get into the history of Marvel cancelling the books I really like (post-Annihilation Nova and Guardians of the Galaxy, Avengers Initiative, post Civil War New Warriors, the Runaways... okay, after the Vaughn and Whedon runs the Runaways sucked, so no big loss there... wait, what was I talking about again?). However, I only subscribe to four books from Marvel and Deadpool is one of them. Does Marvel just not want my money? I'm sure my money can go somewhere else.

Maybe this is going to be a curve-ball. Maybe Deadpool won't really die but instead maybe fake his death and become a lumberjack like Dexter. My big question is... what's the point? We already had a replacement Deadpool after his previous death in the "Funeral for a Freak" storyline. His name was Agent X and he sucked.

Is there going to be some revolutionary change that will make this cheap marketing ploy seem worthwhile? It seems like Marvel keeps hoping that lightning will strike twice, then a third time and a fourth and so on. I think they got lucky with Superior Spider-man and I've heard the current "Falcon America" isn't bad. But remember that the 90's saw lots of characters and titles revamped to be more 'modern' such as Azrael becoming Batman to make the character a violent and dark, Reign of the Supermen, Artemis taking the Wonder Woman mantle to make the character violent and... dark, Hal Jordan becoming a mass murderer, Superman turning into blue energy, Dr. Strange dropping the Dr and becoming... dark, Thing becoming disfigured and wearing a bucket on his head, Dr. Fate dropping the Dr and using a knife so he can be... dark... and so on. Yeah, most of those ideas sucked.

It would be nice if comic book companies would just focus on good storytelling rather than publicity stunts to sell comics. However, all my bitching could be rendered moot if the rumors are true that the end result of this summer's Marvel event could be a reboot of the entire universe. At which point, I will no longer be able to defend Marvel's occasional bad decisions with 'Well, it's still better than the New 52.'

To borrow a quote from Jonny Prophet...  "I'm kind of over reboots."

Hey! I Saw Some More Movies - Neighbors, Godzilla, X-Men: Days of Future Past

Ugh... I've been under the weather, so these reviews are a lot later than I would have liked.

Neighbors

Neighbors was a pretty funny movie. It started kind of slow but once it found it's groove, it was pretty hilarious. Interestingly, though Neighbors is another in a long line of raunchy comedies, unlike most it has heart. There are real themes about what it means to grow up both from the perspective of the fun-loving college kid and the young parent that still wants to be cool.

So Seth Rogen and Rose Byrne are parents to a baby girl and stuck in that phase I like to call "baby jail" where-in the parents are seemingly imprisoned by having to take constant care of their child. New neighbors move in next door in the form of a fraternity led by Zac Efron and Dave Franco. Rogen and Byrne decide to introduce themselves to the college kids in the hopes that they can curb any rowdiness and loud music that might disturb their baby. They end up hitting it off with the fraternity. But their relationship goes sour when, unable to reach Efron's character to ask the music to be turned down, they call the police. The situation devolves from there into a prank war.

One problem that Neighbors runs into is the same problem that any college comedy encounters... living in the shadow of Animal House. It's not anybody's fault, but regardless of how good the movie is, be it Van Wilder, PCU or Old School, it more than likely pales in comparison to the John Landis classic. Beyond that, I'm sure one can nitpick a lot about Neighbors, but in a raunchy comedy, I try not to expect too much. As far as I'm concerned, if a comedy can consistently make me laugh, as Neighbors did, then mission accomplished.

I want to point out something that helps set this movie apart from many other raunchy comedies. With the help of Seth Rogen's real life spouse Lauren Miller, the part that Rose Byrne would eventually was changed. Originally the part had Rogen's on-screen wife be the stereotypical nagging wife. But after some revisions, Byrne's character seemed more equal to Rogen. She wanted to have fun just like him and as a result, their relation reflected the mutual respect and adoration they had for one another. It was actually really refreshing and I give major props to those involved for making those changes.

Neighbors has a real heart behind it's raunchiness, though. You have this interesting dichotomy where Rogen and Byrne try to keep their youth alive by sharing the antics and fun lifestyle that the frat boys have, but inevitably have to come to terms with their adult lives as parents. On the flip-side, Efron has spent most of his time at college having fun and not focusing on his grades. Now that he is staring down the barrel of graduation and the knowledge that afterward his amazing life and status within the fraternity will cease, he clings to Rogen's character as an example of how even grown ups can still be cool. When Rogen calls the cops Efron both feels betrayed and disillusioned, and takes out his fears and frustrations on the couple next door. That's pretty deep for a movie with penis jokes.

Overall, I liked Neighbors. I didn't like it as much as some of the other Goldberg/Rogen films like Superbad, Pineapple Express and This is the End, but it was pretty funny and worth the matinee ticket I paid to see it.

Godzilla

I don't have much to say about this new Godzilla flick. The lizard was fat... it didn't seem as bad on the screen, but the various toys representing this new Godzilla make him look like he ate Rodan.  The movie was enjoyable, far from perfect, but a hell of a lot better than that Roland Emmerich crap from 1998. Although, I did like the Taco Bell tie-in commercials:

(apparently someone spliced new footage to make an update of that first ad)

 

Most of the criticism I have heard of the Gareth Edwards Godzilla movie concerns the human characters. I will admit their plot was kind of weak, feeling more like observers in Cloverfield trying to survive than active participants in the plot. But I need to point out that the human subplots in any Godzilla movie are crap! Nobody has ever sat through a Kaiju movie for the humans, it's always about the monsters! Seriously, as a kid I would basically sit through 80 minutes of boring human subplots to get to the 10 minutes of people in rubber monster suits fighting and smashing models. Honestly, I thought the human subplots involving Bryan Cranston, Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Elizabeth Olson (or as I like to refer to her as... "The Talented Olson") were better than the others I have seen. (If only Raymond Burr was still alive). But to read some reviews that talk about how much more interesting Matthew Broderick's character was in that terrible 1998 movie, that's just insulting. Everyone sucked in that movie except Jean Reno, because regardless of how bad a movie he is in, Reno gets a pass for Leon the Professional. (Granted, if he were to star in White Chicks 2, I would be forced to revoke that pass.)

My biggest complaints concern how little we saw of Godzilla until the very end (although the end was awesome). We have a slow build to him, with short glimpses here and there, which would have been more rewarding if everyone sitting in the audience had no idea who Godzilla was and what he was capable of. I did like that there were two other monsters for Godzilla to fight, which was admittedly more fulfilling than having the King of the Monsters fight humans with futile weapons. But it was so frustrating that everytime Godzilla started to fight one, we would cut to something else human related. That was my biggest complaint.

However, I paid to see monsters fight and in the end, that's what I saw. Toward the climax, we got to see Godzilla go balls to the wall fighting both the other monsters at once and leveling much of San Francisco in the process. During that fight, the movie achieved the one thing I had demanded of it, or else it would not have been a Godzilla movie. In 1998's Godzilla, the monster DIDN'T BREATHE FIRE! The trailer tricked us into thinking it did with the breath from it's roar kicking up a burning helicopter, but that was a lie. The Godzilla I knew would light up it's spiky fins and breathe blue atomic fire at it's enemies... and by damned that's just what we got in this Gareth Edwards movie! In the end, I was pleased enough with what we got, which was finally the Hollywood version of Godzilla that was faithful to the Toho films I grew up watching!

X-Men: Days of Future Past

Okay, so in lieu of a regular review for the newest X-Men movie, I am doing a list of ten things I liked and 10 things I didn't like (or were kind of weird).

10 Things I Liked About X-Men: Days of Future Past

1. I am happy X-Men: Days of Future Past wasn't the train wreck it could have been. I said the same thing about First Class and like with that movie, I was more than pleasantly surprised with the new one. For a movie concerning time travel, the plot mostly made sense.

2. I give mad props to Bryan Singer and the casting department for having Peter Dinklage play the part of Bolivar Trask, not because Trask was supposed to be a little person (the Marvel Database says he is supposed to be 5' 10") but because Dinklage is a great actor. It's extremely rare for a little person to get a role for any reason other than the character needing to be small, so this is a pretty amazing thing. Hell, there wasn't even a mention of Trask being small in the film, he was just treated as the character. That, and he had an incredible moustache. The 70's really were a great time to have a moustache.

3. The dystopian future scenes were used really well. I thought it would have been a five minute scene at the beginning of the movie and it was done, but no... it was a recurring segment that helped create tension throughout the film (and especially toward the climax). Also, it made pretty good use of the characters. We didn't learn about the newcomers to the franchise (Bishop, Sunspot, Blink and Warpath) but we saw their powers in action.

4. The Nimrod Sentinels were awesome. They were like creepy futuristic evolving Destroyers... you know, like that thing from the first Thor movie?

5. Blink. Yeah, I know I already mentioned her, but she was cool in the movie and she's one of my favorite Marvel characters. They did a great job showing her teleportation powers.

6. It was great to see the old X-men again. Beyond Xavier and Magneto, we get to see Storm, Shadowcat, Iceman, Cyclops, Jean Grey, Beast and Rogue... for a second, but Rogue nonetheless. I will also compliment Kelsey Grammer for sitting in makeup for what must have been hours just to appear on screen for literally 3 seconds!

7. Quicksilver was great. They clearly amped up his speed to Flash levels, but his character was perfect. That one segment set to Jim Croce's "Time in a Bottle" was one of the best of the entire film.

8. It was nice to see them actually use Ellen Page. It seemed like she was barely in The Last Stand. Later on, Jonny Prophet and I were watching the disturbing movie Hard Candy, and marveled at her performance (made all the more impactful that only she and Patrick Wilson were the on screen characters for about 95% of the movie). We both surmised that Ellen Page was tragically underutilized in X-Men 3. Thankfully in Days of Future Past she got a pretty important role.

9. Days of Future Past pretty much ret-conned The Last Stand from continuity! No more vaporized Xavier! No more Morlocks with wrong powers like Psylocke. No writing out Cyclops! No having Angel in the cast for no reason at all! No Dark Phoenix being a dumb psychic split personality! It makes me so happy! (I wonder if it also fixes the crap from X-Men Origins: Wolverine? Deadpool deserved better, dammit!)

10. Michael Fassbender.

10 Things I Disliked About X-Men: Days of Future Past (or were just weird)

1. So we learn that Bolivar Trask captured and killed several of the characters introduced in First Class in order to perfect his Sentinels. These characters are Azazel (okay, red Nightcrawler isn't a big loss), Riptide (aka the Hellfire Club guy nobody can remember the name of), Angel Salvatore (I liked Zoe Kravitz's character and was hoping that the X-men would have to face her since she went bad, but I guess it's not a huge deal since they're already doing that with Mystique), Banshee (WHAT?) and White Queen (THE FUCK?!?) Part of me can let Banshee go. His character is long dead in the comics and the actor who played him wasn't even Irish (one of my complaints of First Class), but Emma Frost is dead? She is actually a huge part of the X-men-verse and the Marvel Universe! Beyond her involvement in the Hellfire Club, she led her own young mutant team called The Hellions, co-led another in Generation X (with Banshee no less), became the Head-Mistress of the Xavier School, was a member of the Dark Illuminati and has been a major player in the Marvel Now (post Avengers vs X-Men) mutant books. But no, I guess the films have no use for this interesting fan favorite character. If things didn't work out with January Jones, fine, but you can recast! Frickin' stupid!

2. How the hell did Charles Xavier get his body back? Up until the end, everything that led to the dystopian future followed the movie path, meaning Xavier's body was still vaporized by "Phoenix" Jean Grey. Yet in the future, he's all Patrick Stewart. What the fuck, movie? Yes, I have heard the theory of Xavier having a perpetually comatose twin, but that's just about the most convenient bullshit I have ever heard.

3. Wait, so John F. Kennedy was a mutant? What was his power? Sexual Persuasion? Wait a minute... what if during his famous speech in Germany, he revealed himself as a mutant by declaring he could become "a jelly donut" at will!

4. You know, there's a missed opportunity here. What if instead of the Angel Salvatore character in First Class, they had used Warren Worthington III as Angel? Now let's say he reprised his role in Days of Future Past, but was seemingly killed at some point? The next movie is Apocalypse... wouldn't it have been bad ass to have Archangel debut as the Horseman of Death? (Of course, since the Zoe Kravitz's Angel is dead, what if she were resurrected by Apocalypse with metal wings as a female Archangel? That would actually be awesome!)

5. Since when does Kitty Pride (Shadowcat) have the power to send a human consciousness back in time? That could actually be explained with the "secondary mutation" thing. The same way Emma Frost could turn to diamonds, some mutants gained another power... for some reason. Kitty Pride could actually be given that power in the comics, thus rendering this whole argument moot. However, that would just be silly.

6. I am a little sad that Days of Future Past moved the franchise back toward Bryan Singer's X-Universe. It makes me wonder what might have been if First Class had stayed course. You had a team of X-Men having to cope with loss and betrayal after the Cuban showdown. You had Magneto (for the first time on film actually looking like classic Magneto) with his Brotherhood of Mutants running amok. You had a whole new world of mutants both good and bad to explore in the awesome setting of the mid to late 1960's. I mean, I would have loved to have seen the influence of the "Summer of Love" and hippies on the exploits of the X-men. First Class had such a unique feel unlike any of the other X-men films and while Days of Future Past tried to bring about the 70's in the same way, it wasn't quite the same.

7. I didn't really get why so many students and teachers of the Xavier Institute were drafted into the Vietnam War. The draft wasn't that all encompassing. It wasn't like World War II where there were so few working age men left that women had to run the factories. It wasn't like the American Civil War where all able-bodied men would be drafted from a town. Draft ages are typically 18-25, so why were the teachers drafted? Also, I thought there were exemptions for students (I could be wrong about that). Also, seeing Havok there made me wonder why America wouldn't have done better? Screw Agent Orange and napalm, that guy can clear a jungle with one energy blast! Granted, the movie made it seem that Havok and his fellow mutants kept their powers on the down-low for fear of bad government stuff happening to them. That just seems weird though. The US government knows they have mutants living among the humans, you'd think they want them to fight for America with their gifts! Come to think of it, the X-men started as a government funded operation in First Class. You'd think the US Military would love to get their hands on mutants to be their new weapons.

8. Okay, so now we've had the 3rd actor to play Colonel William Stryker? I get not using Brain Cox, he looks too old. Why not use Danny Huston again? I doubt he's doing much. Plus, his appearances in X-Men Origins Wolverine started right around the time of DOFP and into the 80's. Maybe he just aged really badly.

9. In speaking of aging badly, what the hell happens to James McAvoy in between DOFP and the 1981 flashback of Xavier and Magneto visiting a young Jean Grey? The dude lost all his hair and aged considerably! He looks like a completely different guy! (See what I did there? Yeah.)

10. So Hank McCoy created an anti X-gene serum that in addition to temporarily deactivating the X-gene, had the strange side effect of curing spinal injuries? That's just weird, but I thought it even weirder at the end when McCoy took several syringes worth of the serum to temporarily 'deactivate' his X-gene to avoid being targeted by a sentinel. I don't see that working so quickly and effectively. It's not like a switch in your brain, DNA runs through every cell of the body. Think about how long it takes for aspirin to take effect, you think an increased number of shots of the serum will speed things up?

In the end, I did enjoy X-Men: Days of Future Past. My expectations were low, but I was pleasantly surprised and despite my complaints, the negatives didn't outweigh the positives for me.

So will Channing Tatum have to grow out his hair to play Gambit or will he wear a wig? 

 

F'N Toaster's Movies of 2013 Review-a-rama-thon Spectacu-Looza-Mania 2000 (+ 13) - PART 3!

We now continue with the final installment of the F'N Toaster's Movies of 2013 Review-a-rama-thon Spectacu-Looza-Mania 2000 (+ 13). Here are the reviews of the last 5 movies we saw over the summer. So here we go:

The Wolverine – Forget that stupid X-Men Origins movie, THIS was the Wolverine movie we’ve been waiting for. It was pretty frickin’ awesome! In The Wolverine, we see Logan go to Japan on the request of a man he once saved the life of in World War II. In the process he mysteriously loses his healing factor and then has to contend with the Yakuza and ninjas. Like I said, it was the Wolverine movie Jonny and I always wanted to see. Logan losing his healing factor was a really great plot point. It made him vulnerable in a way we have never seen on film. At that point, ordinary people with guns became a threat, making Logan look like a far bigger bad ass than ever before. He took numerous gunshots and wounds, but kept going to the literal point of collapse. I only have three complaints of this movie. The first is that he is continually haunted by Jean Grey, whom he killed at the end of X-men 3. Not only are those scenes unnecessary to the plot, but they only serve to enforce the continuity connecting the awful X-men 3 to the looming train-wreck titled X-Men: Days of Future Past (Jonny and I really hope we are wrong and that movie turns out great, but we doubt it.) I would have preferred that The Wolverine remained a stand-alone film instead of being reminded of all the crappiness from “The Last Stand.” (I will concede, however, that the end credit bit with Ian McKellan and Patrick Stewart returning as Magneto and Professor X was cool.) The second complaint was that one of the action scenes against the Yakuza had some of the worst “shaky cam” work I have ever seen… like I had to look away or I’d get sick it was so bad. Thankfully, that part didn’t last long. The last complaint is that I would have liked Logan to spend a little longer fighting the ninjas. That part just was too quick for my liking. Hopefully there is a deleted scene where he fights them a bit more. I do have to say that the scene where Logan is fighting Yakuza members on the bullet train is one of the best action scenes I have ever witnessed… no joke. It was awesome. I also liked his battling the Silver Samurai at the end. They changed up that villain some, but it worked and was pretty cool.  Viper was pretty sweet too; they did a great job with her. All in all, this was what X-Men Origins: Wolverine should have been… not jammed full of random mutants and a stupid plot. Just focus on one key plot and let the awesomeness of Wolverine carry the rest of the movie from one bloody violent scene to the next.

Elysium – I really want to like this movie, but I find some serious flaws with the story. The positives are many. The special effects are great. The world they presented was amazing with all sorts of little touches and details. One example I love is the robot probation officer with the grinning cartoonish head of a person. I can see this cold, distant future world using uncaring automated programs to handle virtually anything, even something as important as dealing with a probation officer. Elysium did a great job of putting us into an uncomfortable place; an over-crowded, polluted, run-down, cut-throat world. And by contrast, the space station Elysium seems like this pristine, clean and beautiful place, like a heaven for the living. The robotic police looked cool and seemed far more threatening than those crappy battle droids from the Star Wars Prequels. Matt Damon gave his usual “I make this look easy” performance, which is to say that he was excellent as always. Jodie Foster made a convincing cold hearted, power hungry aristocrat. Sharlto Copley pretty much stole every scene he was in as the sadistic and sadistic Kruger (Now Jonny won’t shut up about wanting him to play The Joker). The action sequences coupled with the special effects worked well. Kruger had some very imaginative weapons in his massive arsenal. I thought that Elysium also had a really good plot. Damon’s character ends up getting a lethal dose of radiation at his job and, with only days to live, becomes determined to make it to Elysium to be cured by their advanced technology that its citizens refuse to share with the Earth. So, what did I have a problem with? For starters, we needed to spend more time with Jodie Foster’s character. Aside from her being a power hungry bitch, we never learn anything more about her. Why was she the way she was? Why would she kill a spaceship full of innocent people from Earth trying to get to Elysium as opposed to just deporting them upon arrival? We never know. I also would have liked more time with Kruger. Again, we never really learn his back-story, but you get the impression that living on Earth as the “dirty jobs” mercenary for Elysium’s interests and having been fitted with advanced cybernetics, he has devolved in a sense to an almost barbarian mentality. However, since Kruger ends up an even bigger threat in the end than Foster, I would have liked to have known more about the monster. What drove him insane? How did he get his position? Again, we never know. The lack of information for both the main antagonists represents a real lost opportunity as it could have explored the idea of how unlimited money or unlimited power can create monsters far worse than criminals on Earth stealing to get by. Another major problem I have is the idea of Elysium itself. All the rich people live in paradise in space and refuse to share any of their wealth or technology (including their advanced medical healing machines) with the people of Earth. We saw people from Earth repeatedly attempt to infiltrate Elysium, usually to try to cure their ailments. Most die trying. Why would people on Earth just put up with that? Why wouldn’t they constantly be trying to launch attacks and invasions? Why wouldn’t there be constant missile strikes at Elysium? Desperate people do desperate things and an entire planet of poor, sick and starving people who have nothing to lose would wage quite a war against their oppressors. There was nothing about Elysium’s defenses that seemed all that invincible to me. They had no force shields or deflector shields. There were supposedly missile defense systems, but we never saw them in action (it was Kruger, under Foster’s orders, who blew up the aforementioned refugee ship with a missile from Earth). In fact, Elysium seems to only have a weak atmosphere held in place by artificial gravity. I was honestly wondering what would stop even a small space rock from just shooting through Elysium and destroying it. I have is how the entire space station and society of Elysium could be upended by one man creating a computer program to change the system and essentially put Foster’s character in charge. This program becomes a McGuffin for the plot and plays a key role in the end of the movie. Foster’s character employs a corporate head to write a program to allow her to take over Elysium… and he seems to do so with ease. Why was it that easy? Are the people of Elysium naïve and could never expect someone to try to take over their computer systems? Were those systems created by idiots? If it was that easy, how come nobody had done it before? This leads to my final complaint… the ending. First of all, you could see it coming a mile away. (BIG TIME SPOILER) Infiltrators from Earth use the program to alter the citizenships of everyone on Earth to also be citizens of Elysium. That means they can no longer be kept out of the space station and more importantly, everyone can receive the advanced medical treatments they need. Wow, happy ending… until someone reverses the programming. I mean, if someone could change it once, logic dictates that it could be changed again… probably pretty easily. You know these rich pricks will do everything in their sizable amounts of power to make sure that everything goes back to how they like it… the way things were. So, I guess it’s just a temporary happy ending. In conclusion, Elysium had a lot of potential, but the execution left a lot to be desired.

Kick Ass 2 – Did you like the first Kick Ass? If so, you will like this one. That’s the easiest way to tell people what I thought of Kick Ass 2. Some of the novelty had worn off. Hit-Girl was no longer a kid, so the fun of a foul-mouthed child killing machine was long gone. She was still cool, but didn’t elicit the same dark humor as before. In this one, Chris D’Amico really took center stage with his becoming the “World’s first super-villain” known as The Motherfucker. His building an army of bad guys through Twitter is a great concept. Much of the story in this one dwelled on Kick-Ass and Hit-girl having to decide their paths in life, with Dave seeking to take his crime-fighting to the next level by seeking out allies and Mindy taking the road of the average high school girl. I don’t think the plot of this one is as good as the original. The first Kick-Ass was pretty implausible at times, but it had a touch of realism to it. This one just came across as cartoonish which to a certain extent should be expected considering the main villain was an immature idiot. That can explain the shark tank in MF’s evil lair, which served for the penultimate battle against Kick-Ass. But this doesn’t explain the ridiculousness of Mother Russia taking out six squad cars and a dozen cops by herself. Seeing something that implausible contrasts the “real world” scenario where Kick-Ass can’t take three guys by himself. I get she was supposed to be a massive bad-ass, but when one character adheres to realism and the other makes an oversize grenade out of a propane tank and kills two officers with a lawnmower through the windshield, that is a massive contradiction. Of course, the problem here is arguing plausibility in a film where people dress up as superheroes. (Oh wait, that’s real.)  I did enjoy the members of Justice Forever, the good super team. Donald Faison was funny as Dr. Gravity. I liked the parents of the missing boy who decided to become superheroes. Dave’s friends becoming heroes of their own with Marty’s Battle Guy and Todd’s Ass-Kicker was pretty funny too. Of course, Jim Carey’s Colonel Stars & Stripes stole every scene he was in. It’s sad that Carey seems to have lost his mind as of late… oh well. Kick-Ass 2 underperformed at the box office, which may become a problem for Mark Millar’s intentions to complete the trilogy. I personally think that the way the movie ended could effectively end the series as well. However, if there is a third, I totally want Uncle Ralph (played by Game of Thrones Iain Glen) to return! I will probably end up getting this movie on Blu-Ray since I have the first one, but I might wait until the price drops some (depending on how badly TivoGirl wants to see it). Hey, there’s always Christmas. (Or Life Day, assuming Jonny doesn’t see that fucking Fruity Pebbles commercial again this year.)

The World’s End – I had some high expectations heading into this one as Jonny and I are big fans of Simon Pegg, Nick Frost and director Edgar Wright. We both loved Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz and similarly enjoyed Wright’s Scott Pilgrim VS the World and the Pegg and Frost’s Paul. I must say The World’s End did not disappoint. It masterfully blended humor with heartfelt characters and science fiction. I was initially worried that this was just going to be Shaun of the Dead but with robots. Thankfully, aside from having to escape hordes of monsters, the two films are very different. At its core, The World’s End is about a loser who can’t get past his supposed glory days in high school and convinces his old friends to join him as they attempt an epic pub crawl in their home town. Without the robots, the movie would have been great by itself. It’s like you take any cliché horror (or in this case sci-fi/horror) movie but actually give it a good subplot instead of the “who gives a shit, I can’t wait for you all to die” subplots you usually get. I think that’s one of the most crucial ways that The World’s End is like Shaun of the Dead. You have great writing and relatable characters driving a humorous plot set against some sort of terrible backdrop. This was one of my favorite movies of the year and I seriously can’t recommend it enough.  

The Grandmaster – Since this one came out at the very end of August, we are lumping it in with the rest of the summer fare. Jonny and I love martial art films and Asian cinema in general making this movie a great mix of both. The Grandmaster featured amazing fight scenes and was beautifully shot. I should also point out that it’s nice to be able to watch a fight sequence that isn’t just a confusing montage of blurry close-up jump shots and shaky camera work. For those who don’t know, the movie is about Ip Man, the legendary martial artist who trained Bruce Lee. The man had a very interesting life that coincided with such events as the Japanese occupation of China. The biggest problem that I have with the movie is the same problem I have with all virtually all biographical films. They try to cover far too much of a span of time in two hours. In this case it was around thirty years of Ip Man’s life, which isn’t as bad as some movies but still lends itself to certain parts feeling condensed while others feel too long in the overall plot. One such example was how Ip Man ended up leaving his family behind and relocating to Hong Kong in the wake of World War II. We never really see why as the events are glossed over, but that’s a pretty interesting point in one’s life to abbreviate as he apparently never saw them again. I also kind of felt like the ending came off a little anti-climactic as well, which I suppose is true to life. The action climax takes place a good twenty minutes before the credits rolled, but I suppose the larger scheme of things was the emotional conclusion as the film dealt heavily with Ip Man’s connection to a female martial arts rival played by Ziyi Zhang. The weird thing is, I think the film was trying to convey how their lives were intertwined when I don’t think they really were. They were friends who lost touch and then found each other again in Hong Kong. Her story was interesting; trying to reclaim her family’s pride after her father was murdered by a traitorous disciple. But I really think they were two separate stories for two separate movies. The Grandmaster really should have been about Zhang’s character as her story seemed more complete in the film, but everyone loves Ip Man because everyone loves Bruce Lee, so he ends up the main character. I enjoyed the film, but I doubt I will end up owning The Grandmaster on disc.

So concludes F'N Toaster's Movies of 2013 Review-a-rama-thon Spectacu-Looza-Mania 2000 (+ 13)… all 15 movies we saw in theaters over the summer. We really have no lives. For those of you who give a crap or have like minds to Jonny and I, we’ll keep reviewing movies as we see them. So until next time… Stay Strange.  

On the Third Day of Christmas...

On the Third Day of Christmas, I saw on DVD… the X-Men episode “Have Yourself a Morlock Little Christmas”

Yes, the X-men cartoon from the mid-90’s had a Christmas episode. It wasn’t very good. I loved the cartoon and still do, despite its choppy animation and bad writing, however this Christmas episode just didn’t work for me.

So you have the X-Men doing stuff to prepare for Christmas. Rogue, Jubilee and Cyclops decorate a massive tree while singing carols. Cyclops is singing ridiculously bad… like beyond tone-deaf bad. He was singing so bad that you would think it was deliberate (which I guess it sort of was). Of course curmudgeonly old Wolverine won’t sing. He is pouting about it being Christmas or something. Like many things in the cartoon it is never really explained, we just fall back on the 2 dimensional personalities of the various X-Men… in this case it is that Wolverine is always angry.

Meanwhile, Beast is doing a science experiment because his personality is that he is smart… which isn’t really a personality but for the X-Men cartoon it somehow counts as one. In the kitchen, Jean Grey is preparing food because her personality is that she is boring and a woman, so she must be a housewife. Seriously, the cartoon really had no idea how to write Jean Grey. She and Cyclops were so boring. Anyways, Jean Grey is mad because Gambit is trying to give her food a kick using Cajun spices, because Gambit’s personality is that he’s Cajun. Yes, I know Cajun is not a personality, but again the X-Men have decided it is so just go with it. 

So Storm, Wolverine and Jubilee go Christmas shopping and then go ice skating. Suddenly an ambulance crashes onto the rink. It was stolen by a couple of Morlocks, those sewer dwelling freak mutants to ugly to live among humans. Apparently fellow Morlock Leech is dying and they were trying to help him. So Storm, Wolverine and Jubilee go help.

Part of my problem with this episode is that it has the plot of a children’s book. Where’s the action? Where’s the conflict. You could have replaced Jubilee with Elmo and had the same result. Plus the humor in the episode feels so forced. Cyclops is singing every other note way off key. Gambit and Jean Grey argue in the kitchen. Those are not jokes. They’re just annoyances.

My biggest problem with this episode is that in the attempt to make the X-Men look like good, kind and generous souls, they instead come across as assholes. Some time before, Storm won leadership of the Morlocks by defeating the previous leader Callisto in a game of Dance Dance Revolution… okay, they just fought, but how awesome would that have been? Anyways, it turns out Storm hasn’t bothered to help the Morlocks out at all since becoming their leader. She just went on living in the X-Mansion.

And that’s another thing; here the X-Men are living in a massive decadent palace and their fellow mutants, ones who are under the care of an X-Man, live in the sewers surviving on scraps. Seriously, there are NINE people living in that huge mansion, but they can’t give even a few rooms to the Morlocks? In fact, at the end of the episode, the Morlocks offer the X-Men some of their own meager amounts of food for Christmas dinner in an act of thankful generosity. So the Storm, Wolverine, Jubilee and Beast (he showed up to help too… because he’s smart) accept and give Professor X a call to tell them to cancel their own elaborate Christmas dinner. Why the hell didn’t the X-Men invite the Morlocks over to partake in their huge feast?

Lastly, the entire plot of the episode hinges on whether Wolverine will allow his blood to be transfused into Leech as it is the best chance he has at survival. Wolverine doesn’t want to! He is afraid it might not work because of some incident from his past (again, it is never explained… wait, I thought Wolverine couldn’t remember his past?). So basically Leech will die for sure without said transfusion, but because he still might die, Wolverine doesn’t want to go through with it. See? They all seem like dicks!

So yeah, Leech lives. The X-Men sort of learn the true meaning of Christmas. It’s a happy ending to a boring and very forced episode. It wasn’t funny or touching, it was just there. Couldn’t Juggernaut have been trying to steal presents or something? That would have at least created some action.

On the Merry Meter I give “We Wish You a Morlock Christmas” a 2 out of 10. (I give it 2 because of nostalgic value and because they had Gambit wearing a chef’s hat. That’s just funny to me… even if it wasn’t meant to be.)

Stay tuned tomorrow for something much, much better.