Toaster's Ramblings - The Convergance of the Secret Wars (or How Marvel and DC Had the Same Summer Event)

It seems that Marvel and DC both have pretty much run the same storyline event for the summer. Both Secret Wars and Convergence deal with time and reality getting smashed together into a jumbled mess of different characters from different worlds, where they all fight and eventually everything gets (sort of but not really) rebooted. I do find it amusing that DC has had the New 52 around less than five years and already needs to do a "soft" reboot. (A soft reboot, by the way, is when some parts of a universe get a fresh start while others continue on as normal.) Now maybe it was just a coincidence that both comic companies ran similar events, but I doubt it. Marvel has apparently been working on Secret Wars for five years, while reviews suggest that Convergence felt rushed in many ways. DC probably got wind of what Marvel was planning and set out to do their own version and release it a few months early (Convergence started this past Spring and is already over. Secret Wars is currently ongoing.)

Honestly, I haven't been following either event. Five dollars an issue for Secret Wars is too much, I would rather wait for a trade edition. As for DC, I'm pretty much done with them. Not only have I grown to hate the New 52, but DC decided to implement a new way of placing advertising into their comic books...

DC You? More like DC... You Suck!

Yeah, so as long as that ridiculous shit is going on, I'm out. If Marvel does it too, I'll be done with them as well. I don't mind a page add, or even a two-page add, but I will not share comic book art and storyline on the same page as an advertisement. That's bullshit. Not only does it take you out of the story, but it is disrespectful to the very medium of comic book art. Imagine if instead of specific commercial breaks on television, commercials randomly play in the middle of your show. Let's say you're watching CW's Arrow and Ollie is about to fight Deathstroke and just as the first punch is thrown, we cut to a Clearasil commercial, then go back to the punch in mid-swing. It would kind of piss you off, now wouldn't it? Well, split-page ads piss me off just the same way.

I don't really know what the post-Convergence DC universe looks like, but the Marvel one is interesting. First of all, much of the pre-Secret Wars developments remain intact. Falcon is still the new Captain America and Steve Rogers is still old. Thor is still a woman (Jane Foster). Wolverine is still dead. The Fantastic Four, as a team, is also dead with Human Torch hanging out with the Inhumans and Thing the new pilot for the Guardians of the Galaxy. I'm not really sure where Mr. Fantastic and Invisible Woman will end up, though the latter was an agent of S.H.I.E.L.D. before the event.

The list of the post-Secret Wars title launches has been released and while some really don't interest me at all, others are quite intriguing. Here are my thoughts on the upcoming books:

A-Force #1 - AKA the "female Avengers." Seems a little on the nose to me. "You want more gender diversity? Have an entire book of woman Avengers!" It almost borderlines on gimmicky to me. I will say that there seem to be far more women Avengers than their were in the 90's when most seemed to be female versions of popular male heroes (She-Hulk, Spider-woman), but that may just be due to the fact that in the last 10 years, EVERYONE seems to be an Avenger. I also wonder, who will a team of female Avengers fight? Will they face female villains? How many female villains does Marvel have that are an Avengers level threat? I might thumb through the first issue to see what this book is like, but I don't expect much.

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. #1 - I don't watch the show, why would I read the comic?

All-New All-Different Avengers #1 - I might actually get a subscription to this one. I like the younger line-up of Nova (Sam Alexander), Ms. Marvel and Spider-man (Miles Morales) contrasted with veterans like "Falcon America," Jane Foster Thor, Iron Man and Vision. It has a Young Justice vibe to it.

All-New Wolverine #1 - While it's interesting that X-23 is the new Wolverine, I doubt I will buy the book.

All-New X-Men #1-  So are they still the original X-men from the 60's (or whenever they're supposed to come from, something tells me the present Cyclops isn't in his mid-50's)? I don't know. I didn't read the book before and I'm pretty sure I won't read it now. It seems like the novelty of young versions running around with their older counterparts would have worn off by now.

Amazing Spider-Man #1 - I'm guessing this is the Peter Parker Spider-man since Miles Morales has the non-adjective Spider-man book. I don't know... I might look at it. Maybe it will be unique. I doubt I will buy it, though.

Angela: Asgard’s Assassin #1 - I liked when Angela was time-displaced and hung out with the Guardians of the Galaxy, having a friendly rivalry with Gamora. Then for some reason it was revealed she was Asgardian... which is weird. I guess Marvel wanted to start over with her back-story, but I would have preferred that she is the same character from Spawn that now is stuck in the 616 universe... and occasionally alludes to her former life. I'm just not sure I care about her as Asgard's assassin... the Asgardians already have Sif and the Jane Foster Thor... I might flip through the book, but I doubt I will be impressed.

Ant-Man #1 - Never been much of an Ant-man fan. The whole shrinking thing never seemed that useful unless you are evil (like Atomica in Forever Evil). Then you can scramble people's brains or enter their body and grow to normal size so your victim pops like a balloon. But commanding an army of ants? Um... I guess you could get them to bring you all the loose change on the ground for miles around. I guess there are actual uses in espionage, but I never really cared. I doubt I will pick up this book.

Captain Marvel #1 - I'm glad that Carol Danvers is getting her due as Marvel's elite super heroine. However, I haven't read any of her books so far. Not sure if I will start here, either.

Carnage #1 - I don't get the point of this one. Is Carnage still a serial killing monster or are they trying to make him a hero now? Either way, I'm not sure it will work as an ongoing series.

Contest of Champions #1 - Place your bets now about how long this book will last! If the writer's are smart, there will be an end point, like with Avengers Arena. This is not a premise that will last long.

Daredevil #1 - I might flip through this book. I loved the Netflix series (who didn't?) and am curious if Marvel will try to make the comic more like the show. I think Daredevil is in serious need of new villains, good new villains. Most of his villains are lame. They can't just keep going back to Kingpin and Bullseye. Like I said, I will give it a once over, but I'm not expecting much.

Deadpool #1 - I like Deadpool and as such will probably get this book. The writers, however, have big shoes to fill. The previous volume's writing team, including comedian Brian Posehn, made a really good run full of hilarity, some genius moments (the various "lost" throwback issues of Daredevil from decades past), and a great supporting crew including ghost Ben Franklin.

Doctor Strange #1 - Maybe the film will give me new appreciation for the Sorceror Supreme, but it won't be in time for me to start reading this book.

Drax #1 - I will check this book out for one reason... former WWE star CM Punk is co-writing. It doesn't guarantee that the book will be any good, but like with any celebrity writer, it's worth a look.

Extraordinary X-Men #1 - Good news... in addition to being Uncanny, All-New, All-Different, Extreme and Astonishing, the X-men are also Extraordinary. It has an interesting line-up with Colossus, Iceman, Jean Grey (from the past), Nightcrawler (whom I thought was dead), Magik, Storm and Old Man Logan... because Marvel is really serious about Wolverine staying dead. Will Jean Grey discuss with the Iceman of the present about how his past version is gay? Only time will tell. I might glance at this book, but I'm not expecting anything "extraordinary." (see what I did there? I'm clever.)

Guardians of the Galaxy #1 - I was reading the previous run and loved the Abnett/Lanning run that has inspired a new age for Marvel's space universe and renewed love for many forgotten characters. (Ten years ago, did you think you would see a movie starring Star-Lord? Did you even know who the hell Star-Lord was? My point exactly.) Brian Michael Bendis is still writing this new volume, but I guess now Rocket Raccoon is the leader and Thing is the new pilot. And Star-Lord is a woman. I'm game, why not?

Hawkeye #1 - The only time I ever read a Hawkeye book was when he led The Thunderbolts way back when. I'm okay with leaving it that way. If I need my bow and arrow fix, CW's got me covered.

Howard the Duck #1 - Um... no.

Howling Commandos of S.H.I.E.L.D. #1 - This one will be among the first wave of cancellations, mark my words. Unless they go back in time to fight Nazis with the real Howling Commandos... that I would check out.

Illuminati #1 - What is the purpose of a book about the elitist secret club of Marvel? Do they fight as a team? Are they a team? Do I care? I can answer one of those questions.

Invincible Iron Man #1 - I might glance at this book. Here's the thing, I love the movie version of Tony Stark, because Robert Downey Jr. gives the character a great deal of wit and fast comedic timing, because if not for those, let's be honest, we would all think Tony Stark was a self-righteous prick. Well, the Tony Stark of the comics, even after the debut of the first Iron Man movie, is a self-righteous prick. However, I did enjoy Tony Stark during his brief tenure with the Guardians of the Galaxy. Why? Because Brian Michael Bendis writes Tony as witty and fun. So, since he's writing this book, I will give it a look.

Karnak #1 - The only reason I'm going to check out this book is because Warren Ellis is the writer. I expect I'm not the only one who shares that sentiment.

The Mighty Thor #1 - Is this still Jane Foster Thor? That's cool. I didn't read her book before Secret Wars, why mess with success?

Ms. Marvel #1 - I missed the boat on this book. I've heard great things and will probably check out trades of the previous volume. As such, I might thumb through this new volume.

New Avengers #1 - Not sure why they didn't just call this A.I.M.: Avengers Idea Mechanics. This line-up is crazy. The team is led by Sunspot and features Wiccan, Hulkling, Squirrel-girl, Hawkeye, Power Man, White Tiger and Songbird. I may have to check this book out based on the line-up alone. However, I am not confident on this book's success.

Nova #1 - I love Nova. I was a fan of Richard Ryder. I came to love Sam Alexander was well. The cover of this new book shows Sam in his Black Nova get-up with an adult dressed in classic Nova Corp attire. My question is... is that adult Sam's dad or Ryder back from the dead? (Really hoping for the latter.) This is one book I will be picking up.

Old Man Logan #1 - So what, is Old Man Logan now in the 616 Marvel universe? Do I care? Not really.

Sam Wilson, Captain America #1 - I'll be honest, the only time I ever gave a shit about Falcon was in Captain America: The Winter Soldier. I don't really get why he is Captain America. Does he have the Super Soldier Serum? Otherwise he's Falcon with a shield. I'm still not really giving a shit.

Silk #1 - I know nothing about this character except she is somehow connected to the "Spider-verse" which I guess is a thing now. Is their also a Hawkeye-verse and a Paste-Pot Pete-verse?

Scarlet Witch #1 - I've never been a big Scarlet Witch fan, so... yeah.

Spider-Gwen #1 - She's got a following, but I've never read anything about the alternate reality Gwen that got powers. It's still part of the Spider-verse. I want to read a book about the Groot-verse!

Spider-Man #1 - I think it's cool that Miles Morales will be the main Spider-man after Secret Wars. He's a great character that allows Marvel to explore Spider-man in high school again without resorting to deals with Mephisto or de-aging Peter Parker. Best of all, Miles' creator, Brain Michael Bendis, is writing the book. I might check this book out... partly to know how Miles came to be in the 616 universe when Parker is still alive (unless he's the same from the Ultimate universe and just "displaced"). I'm not always on board with Bendis, but he does to Spider-man really well.

Spider-Man 2099 #1 - Way back in the day I actually had a subscription of Spider-man 2099 mailed to my house (the town I was raised in was without a comic shop of it's own). The book was only okay, primarily for a lack of great, memorable villains. I mean, Spider-man has the best rogues gallery of any hero in the Marvel universe, yet his counter-part from a hundred years in the future really didn't have many to speak of. I'm actually having a tough time remembering any beyond 2099 versions of Vulture and Venom. There was a cyborg bounty hunter whose name escapes me and some guy named Thanatos that looked like a Roman gladiator (no, his skin wasn't purple, I don't think he had anything to do with that Thanos). I think the new book takes place in the 616 universe, so I guess he can borrow current Spider-man villains. I doubt I'll read the book... I might flip through it out of curiosity. I like his costume at least.

Spider-Woman #1 - Never cared for Spider-woman. I'll pass.

Squadron Supreme #1 - I might check this one out. It could be interesting... or it could be a waste of time. It's a real toss-up.

Star-Lord #1 - Why is Star-Lord a woman? I thought I saw cover art that showed the character with a feminine body. But then I saw another where he was wearing his trademark mask while wearing an astronaut outfit and a "Quill" name badge... so I have no idea what is going on. I might flip through the book to see if they answer it, but I doubt I'll care enough to buy the comic.

The Totally Awesome Hulk #1 - Is the Hulk "totally awesome" now? He has been Incredible and Invincible and... red. Why is he awesome? I guess he may be someone other than Bruce Banner. After Red Hulk, Skaar, A-Bomb, She-Hulk and Red She-Hulk, that's just what we needed. As long as he's "totally awesome."

Web Warriors #1 - So it's another book based on the Spider-verse, but this time loosely affiliated with a cartoon? I don't get it.

Ultimates #1 - So it's a book with nothing to do with the Ultimate universe. It's just an Avengers book under a different name. It has Black Panther, the current Captain Marvel, the past Captain Marvel (Monica Rambeau) as Spectrum, and Blue Marvel... a character that a month ago I had never heard of. Might glance at it, but I am doubtful I'll buy it. 

Uncanny Avengers #1 - So this book is kind of odd for me. Initially, I loved the book. It fulfilled that craving I had for super teams fighting massive threats, first with the Red Skull, then against the Apocalypse Twins. Then, the book got weird. Havok, one of my favorite X-men, got disfigured... like on a Two-Face level. Wolverine lost his healing factor and would soon be dead, Steve Rogers was old, Rogue had absorbed Wonder Man... then after the Red Onslaught storyline, the entire line-up changed (save for Scarlet Witch and Rogue). I wanted to like the new line-up. It had Quicksilver, whom I haven't read in a book since X-Factor and there was Sabretooth, seeking redemption. However, the team focused all of it's time fighting the High Evolutionary... a character I've never really cared for. Plus, we were treated to the old Avengers soap opera from back in the day that led to my hating the book and team... the bizarre love triangle (obligatory New Order reference) of Scarlet Witch, Vision and Wonder Man. Ugh... so stupid. This new book once again has a new line-up adding Spider-man, Human Torch, some new chick named Synapse and Deadpool. I will give the book another shot.

Uncanny Inhumans #1 - I've never been huge on the Inhumans. I like them as part of the overall Marvel universe, but not for their own stories and drama. I doubt I will get this book.

Uncanny X-Men #1- This is a book that intrigues me. It has Magneto leading a team with Psylocke, Mystique, Fantomex and Sabretooth... with some other as yet to be revealed mutants. It's like a Brotherhood of Mutants team under the X-men banner. I will definitely check this one out.

Venom: Spaceknight #1 - I doubt this book will last. Despite the popularity of the character, a Venom-centric book has never been a big hit. I do like the reinvention of the character with host Flash Thompson. Instead of a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent, this is apparently continuing his space adventures since joining the Guardians of the Galaxy. But what's this "spacknight" thing? Is that like Rom the Spaceknight? It might be interesting, but I have my doubts about the book's future. I will give it a once-over however.

The Vision #1 - Remember how I said I was never a Scarlet Witch fan? The same applies to Vision. The two of them made an awful soap opera storyline for so long... I hated the Avengers for years because of them. 

So yeah. I will have some new Marvel comics to check out and will avoid DC like the plague.  Time will tell whether this will improve the Marvel Universe, or make it more convoluted, or have no effect at all. I'm just glad they haven't gone the New 52 route and rebooted everything. I think at that point I just would have been done with comics... except indies. Come to think of it, I should check out indie books more often. Valiant's been looking pretty good lately. 

Until next time, Stay Strange!

Prophet and Toaster’s Weird Heroclix Teams

For this installment’s team, I came up with a Marvel only line-up. Unfortunately, I haven’t played this team in a game yet, partly because I am missing one of the necessary Heroclix to complete it. However, I really love the concept and the line-up seems pretty solid, but building this team could be a little difficult as the line-up includes a couple of Super-rares, some LE’s, and a chase. So without any further ado, I give you the…

Alternate Reality Avengers

So naturally we start with Captain America. For him I am going with Rohjaz, his 1602 Native American counterpart. Rohjaz makes for a great support piece with his Traits of Stealth and Stealth-busting powers. Plus, he’s got a dial full of Enhancement! Unfortunately, Rohjaz is the chase that I mentioned so if you have him, great! If you don’t… um… ask Santa?

Next up is Iron Man. For this I am going with the LE of Iron Man from Galactic Guardians. Coming from a reality where Thanos had wiped out most of Earth’s heroes and almost all life in the universe, Tony Stark helps found a “Newer” Fantastic Four. This piece packs some great fire power with Ranged Combat Expert and Psychic Blast as well as some Outwit.

To complete the “Big 3” of the Avengers, I am using the Thor the Reigning LE. This Thor came from a possible future where he was a king but was no longer worthy of his magic hammer. Thor the Reigning will be a major asset to this team with his Probability Control, Pulse Wave, Telekinesis, late dial Hypersonic Speed and his being Indomitable sure doesn’t hurt either.

To represent the genius scientist Hank Pym I am choosing his least genius form as the Giant-Man from the Marvel Zombies universe. While this Giant-Man has Outwit and Perplex, I would mainly use him to tie up opponents with his Giant Size and Steal Energy.

For Black Widow, I choose Iron Widow from the Ultimate Marvel universe. As you would suspect from someone wearing one of Tony Stark’s robot suits, Iron Widow works a lot like Iron Man with Ranged Combat Expert, Running Shot and Outwit. However, the Ultimates team ability will make her a great sniper.

To represent everyone’s favorite anger management problem, I am choosing Maestro as Hulk’s counterpart. Maestro comes from a future where he is insane, radioactive, king of the planet and killed all the other superheroes. Nice guy. As you would expect, Maestro is just a massive powerhouse to plow down your opponents.

To represent on and off Avenger and X-man Beast, we use his twisted version from the Age of Apocalypse… the Dark Beast. This ‘Buy It By the Brick’ piece has a low point cost but brings lots of evil to the table Outwit, Perplex and his “Cruel Experiment” Special Power.

Then we add the future incarnation of Wonder Man from the Guardians of the Galaxy… Hollywood! While there isn’t much love for Wonder Man in any incarnation, Hollywood is a real Indomitable powerhouse with his Super Strength, late dial Close Combat Expert and his “Almost Immortal” special power.

Since Wolverine has to be on every team in the Marvel universe, here is no different. I have chosen Colonel Logan, his dystopian counterpart from the Days of Future Past storyline (and box set). He is a highly effective low cost piece with Close Combat Expert, Blades/Claws/Fangs, Stealth and Flurry.

And we conclude the team with an alternate dimensional being turned into a twisted version of Spider-man by the Magus. You may know him as Doppleganger. Anyone who has played against this piece knows how vicious it is. Doppleganger is full of Flurry, Leap/Climb with Combat Reflexes on an 18 Defense (making him a bitch to hit) and with a Special Power (“Mindless Pawn”) that allows him to repeatedly attack his opponent in the same round.  Oh, and if your opponent has Spider-man or anyone with that team ability, they’re screwed.

So in conclusion, the line-up for the Alternate Reality Avengers is as follows:

Rohjaz (1602 version of Captain America from CA) -70

Iron Man (as member of Newer Fantastic Four from GG) - 150

Thor the Reigning (future version from HOT) - 168

Giant-Man (Zombie version from Mu&M) - 97

Iron Widow (Ultimates 2 version of Black Widow from AV)

Maestro (evil future version of Hulk from Mu&M) - 195

Dark Beast (evil AoA Beast from Mu&M) 69

Hollywood (future Wonder Man from GG) - 138

Colonel Logan (future Wolverine from Days of Future Past set) - 70

Doppleganger (evil other-dimensional Spidey from Web of Spider-man) -93

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1168 (out of 1200) leaving 32 points left for feats, objects or relics

A 1200 point game isn’t for everyone, but you could easily omit pieces to fit a smaller build. I look forward to playing this team someday. Maybe someday there will be enough pieces for an Alternate Reality Justice League?

Until next time, stay strange.

TERRIBLE Comic Book Movie Adaptations (Part 2)

So I'm back from my vacation (on a related note, I can never return to Delaware or Maryland... don't ask) and have Part two of this list ready to go. Oh, did I say this was only a two part list? I meant three. Okay, I didn't really mean three at the time, I just had a lot to say about these next four comic book movies and think its best to not make this one ridiculously long entry. So without further ado, we continue my list of crappy comic book movies:

X-men 3: The Last Stand – Ah yes, another example of a bad movie ruining a franchise. Unlike Spider-Man 3 however, I really don’t like this movie. It was screwed from day one. Bryan Singer, who directed the first two, left to direct the next movie on this list and took with him James Marsden (the actor who played Cyclops). So you got about 5 minutes of Cyclops being emo over Jean Grey’s death and then she comes back from the dead just long enough to kill him. And right away, one of the founding members of the X-men is unceremoniously written out of the franchise… and the movie really just goes downhill from there. You had the introduction of Angel, utilizing great special effects, but ultimately do next to nothing with him. Seriously, he could have been edited out of the movie and nobody would have noticed. Plus, they squandered the perfect opportunity to appease generations of fanboys. X-Men 3 was the first of the movies to feature all 5 of the original X-Men (for those playing at home that was Cyclops, Marvel Girl aka Jean Grey, Beast, Angel and Iceman). It would have been awesome to have a moment where all 5 were on screen together at the same time, like a shout out to the comic savvy audience members… but no. For some reason Jean Grey, as her Phoenix persona, kills Professor X. I suspect part of this was to appease the diva-like complaints of Halle Berry, who felt she was underutilized as Storm, thus thrusting her character into a leadership position. (And with great lines like “Do you know what happens to a toad when it is struck by lightning? The same thing that happens to everything else!” how could you not make her the star?) They built up this great end battle that, like the entire movie, was ultimately marred by massive errors and disappointments. They weren’t Morlocks, they were ‘Omegas.’ Okay, I can let that go just like I let go that Dark Phoenix was Jean Grey’s split personality. (Honestly it would have been a bigger train wreck to try to do the entire space saga anyway.) But why introduce a fan favorite like Psylocke and completely screw up her powers? Why couldn’t we have spent more time getting to know some of these Omegas, after all they were only Magneto’s army of mutants! Why didn’t they include some of the actual Brotherhood of Evil Mutants like Avalanche, Mastermind, Vanisher, Blob, Unus or maybe even Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch… you know, Magneto’s children? Why would Juggernaut, while having his powers neutralized by Leech, get knocked out by hitting a wall with his head when he is wearing a damn helmet? (By the way, after Jonny Prophet and I saw Hard Candy and Juno we both concluded that the film-makers terribly underutilized the very talented Ellen Page.) I will say that there were a few things that X-Men 3 got right. Kelsey Grammer played Beast exceptionally. Vinnie Jones was pretty entertaining as Juggernaut. I liked how they portrayed Multiple Man and how Pyro had come into his own as a villain. However, by the end of the movie, after killing off Cyclops, Jean Grey and seemingly doing the same with Xavier, I kind of looked at it as the final film… partly because I really didn’t want to see the franchise limp through another sequel after effectively maiming the series. (But I really wanted to see the brain-dead black guy from Muir Island with the voice of Patrick Stewart in action!)

Superman Returns – Ah yes, the weird sequel that nobody demanded to a franchise over twenty years old whose main actor is dead. Oh, and it’s only the sequel to the first two movies, not the two I already included on the list. (I didn’t know you could pick and choose what sequels you wanted to observe in continuity!)  Anyway, Bryan Singer’s decision to leave X-Men 3 to direct Superman Returns truly cursed us to 2 bad movies; a shitty X-men movie and a boring and ridiculous Superman movie. Now the film itself looks good, it is shot beautifully and the acting is great. Brandon Routh made a wonderful stand-in to Christopher Reeves and Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor stole the show. The problem I have is with the story. It sucks. It is boring, pretentious, self-serving, and a little disturbing. Why is it boring? Superman doesn’t actually fight anyone… unless you count a mountain of Kryptonite. Everybody loved Superman II because he fought General Zod and his crew of Kryptonian criminals! It had massive battles and destruction! But for some reason the writers thought a big mountain of Kryptonite was a worthy foe to the Man of Steel. I mean, Lex shanks him but all Superman did was leave him and Parker Posey on a deserted island… which seems more than a little irresponsible. Rather than bring Luthor to justice over the massive damage and deaths he caused, Superman says “Nope, I’m gonna leave him on a desert island.” Why is it pretentious? Superman is over glorified as a modern day deity, like a flying Jesus in tights. Why is it self-serving? It delves heavily into how Superman views his duality as Clark Kent and his never-ending quest for justice and saving people; in other words it creates its own drama. Kevin Smith really put it best by saying ‘Superman Returns is the art-house Superman.’ Now why is it disturbing? Oh, I don’t know… how about Superman is a creepy stalker? He seriously floats around outside of Lois Lane’s house using his x-ray vision to watch her and his super hearing to listen in on her conversations with her new man James Marsden. (By the way, you ditch a major role as Cyclops for the much smaller role of Lois Lane’s boyfriend? What the fuck?) If Supes weren’t pretty much unstoppable, he would be in jail! Plus, Superman’s a deadbeat dad? Okay, not really, but who really thought making him a father was a good idea and wouldn’t completely screw up the franchise? Plus, he pulls a breaking and entering into Lois’ home so he can sit by his sleeping son, stroke his hair and say “You will be different.” I know it was supposed to be really sweet, but holy crap was that creepy. Imagine waking up to find Brandon Routh stroking your hair and telling you “You will be different.” You may never be able to sleep again! Oh, and before I move on I must point out that Jonny Prophet was very angry that Kumar (Kal Penn) was in the movie and didn’t even have a line! He could have at least asked Lex if he wanted anything from White Castle!

Ang Lee’s Hulk – Okay, this should tell you how bad Hulk was. When I go to the movies, I never leave the theater except in the case of an urgent bathroom situation. During Hulk, I went to get a refill on my drink… and I took my time about it. I walked around the lobby, even stopped to look at those quarter vending machines. When I got back, I asked my friend if I had missed anything. He said ‘no.’ Another friend told me that he uses the DVD like Ambien; he has never made it through the whole movie without falling asleep. Of course, everyone else can define the failure of Ang Lee’s Hulk with two words… Hulk Dogs. I especially bring up the poodle Hulk Dog. Ugh… Hulk has many villains, why did they have to create something so terrible? And Nick Nolte’s insane driveling speech at the end of the movie is reminiscent of the Python’s paranoid psychotic rant at the end of Stan Lee’s Light Speed (perhaps a future Guilty Pleasure review?). In the same vein of Kevin Smith’s assessment that Superman Returns was the “art house Superman film” then Ang Lee’s Hulk is definitely the art house version of the jade giant. The acting wasn’t bad, the special effects were good (though on Hulk itself, I would rate them as only ‘okay’) and the cinematography was as good as what you would expect from the director of Brokeback Mountain and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. But when people see a Hulk movie they don’t want a story of childhood trauma and disconnection between a father and son; they don’t want a soul searching journey to deal with repressed anger before it explodes into an unstoppable force of pure rage. Moviegoers want Hulk to smash stuff and fight monsters and stuff like that. In the end, I wouldn’t call Ang Lee’s Hulk a terrible movie… just really, really boring.

X-men Origins: Wolverine – I will start by saying that this movie isn’t god-awful. It was decently entertaining and featured a lot of great characters for the first time on screen. But when this movie was bad… oh sweet Lord it was abysmal. First off I will say Liev Schreiber was excellent as Sabretooth. Taylor Kitsch made a great Gambit. Ryan Reynolds was awesome as Wade Wilson. (Note that I didn’t say Deadpool… oh I can feel the anger building!) Now that we got that out of the way we move onto what sucked. Some of the special effects were really lacking. For instance when Logan is examining his claws in the bathroom of the elderly couple’s farmhouse, they looked really fake. That’s not the biggest problem to me. The biggest failing of X-Men Origins: Wolverine is how it tries to cover every possible base while cramming in random mutant character cameos along the way. It feels a lot to me like Star Wars: Episode I in that the plot seems forced; everything that happens is to literally get from point A to point B regardless of plausibility and at the sacrifice of character development. They had to reveal how Wolverine got his adamantium skeleton, they had to explain his connection to and hatred of Sabretooth, they had to establish his past with William Stryker, they had to include Gambit, Deadpool (argh), Blob, Cyclops, Xavier, and some other random mutants along the way, they had to explain Logan’s inability to recall his past, they even had to explain how a bullet entered his head in X-Men 2… and what you get is a script that is a mess chock full of random, if not pointless cameos and senseless fighting. The plot itself is a gigantic fuck around to… I guess… trick Wolverine into being a super soldier? I am really not sure what the point was, but in the process they ruined a fan favorite character in Deadpool by making him a bizarre mess of eyebeams, teleportation and swords popping out of his wrists with a healing factor (might I add the only thing they got right about his powers) as well as some others I am choosing to forget. We got a ridiculous plot device that the only way to penetrate adamantium is with an adamantium bullet? Since when do metals with the same molecular density pierce one another? I know this is just a comic book movie and not to nit-pick, but that was not just insulting to the fans, it was insulting to the overall audience’s intelligence! It could have been a vibranium bullet and I would have said ‘okay.’ But no, we had to explain Logan’s memory loss in the stupidest, most ‘Midi-chlorian’ way possible. (Seriously, the comics had his healing factor “heal” his traumatic memories. What was so wrong about that?) But now we can explain how a bullet penetrated Wolverine in the second movie… except I didn’t care. It never occurred to me that the bullet even went into his skull. I figured the bullet hitting his forehead knocked him out and his regenerative powers pushed out the slug as it healed him. Oh, and Silverfox was in on the whole plan? That’s just stupid! And if Stryker had so much faith in Sabretooth doing his dirty work and giving Logan the motivation to partake in the Weapon X treatment, why the hell didn’t he just give Sabretooth the adamantium? Why wouldn’t Stryker have thought Sabretooth would survive? Victor Creed survived the firing squad alongside Logan!  Like I said before, this movie wasn’t the worst thing ever but it was an absolute mess.

Be sure to anxiously await the third installment which will be up whenever the hell I get around to finishing this list. In the meantime, stay strange!