Toaster's Fanboy Christmas List!

Christmas is just about here. I think I've been a good boy this year. (Jonny Prophet can make no such claim.) So here are a list of "Christmas presents" that I would like over the course of 2015. Realize though, that this is not a list of prayers for world peace and ending disease and all of that. That stuff would be great and I would gladly trade away all of my gifts and possessions to make them come true, but that's not realistic. This is a somewhat realistic fanboy list. So without further ado:

1. I want to love Avengers: The Age of Ultron. I loved the first Avengers and I have faith in Joss Whedon. However, there are certain things that have me worried. The seeds to the Civil War plot arc for Captain America 3 will apparently be sewn. We are introducing new characters like Baron Strucker, Quicksilver, Scarlet Witch and whoever the hell Andy Serkis is supposed to be playing. Cramming a lot of superfluous characters and story to set up future franchises can be poison for a superhero movie... just look at X-Men Origins: Wolverine and Amazing Spider-man 2. Now I'm not saying Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch are extraneous characters, but you have some big names competing for screen time already. Why cast Jeremy Renner as Hawkeye if you aren't going to do much with him? James Spader's Ultron seems wonderfully creepy and I love the character in the comics, so by all accounts Avengers 2 should be awesome. Make it happen, Santa!

2. Likewise, I want Star Wars Episode VII - The Force Awakens to be good... like really good. Better than the prequels good. The buzz seems positive, Abrams went out of his way to try to rekindle the magic of the original trilogy, original cast members are returning... I want to fall in love but we've been burned before! Now, I'm not concerned about black Stormtroopers or lightsabers with hilts. I just want a good, well thought out story full of the fun that I grew up loving about Star Wars.

3. I want Justice Society Heroclix! Mainly, I want a new version of Wildcat. He needs to kick massive amounts of ass, with Indomitable and big attack numbers. Beyond him, I want other members remade like Hourman, Atom-Smasher, Dr. Mid-nite, Sandman, a good (pre-Nu52) Powergirl and maybe some newer members like Cyclone and Jakeem Thunder. I know DC is all Nu52, but Earth 2 sucks compared to Geoff Johns' JSA!

4. It would be awesome if Nintendo were to make some downloadable characters for Smash Brothers beyond MewTwo... which I am excited to get since I have missed him since Melee! How about getting online exclusive downloads of past playable characters such as Solid Snake, Roy and the Ice Climbers? Maybe we could get a few new characters like Megaman X or Zero, or maybe Captain Toad! How about King K. Rool? There's a ton of possibilities that Nintendo could take advantage of!

5. Zardoz on Blu-Ray! I need Sean Connery in a speedo, suspenders and hooker boots... IN HI-DEF!

6. I want 6 inch Star Wars Black figures made of General Greivous, IG-88, Bossk, Mace Windu and other ones I am forgetting at the moment. I can't believe it took over 35 years for them to make a line of 6 inch Star Wars figures.

7. That after "The Man from U.N.C.L.E." comes out, Guy Ritchie finally starts making The Real Rock n' Rolla!

8. I want the new Fantastic Four movie to bomb and for Fox to give up and let the license return to Marvel.

9. I want the Heroclix set based on the Trinity War to be better than the Trinity War storyline. I'm also hoping that this "ultra chase" bullshit will die with that set (There's enough hard to find pieces in the Heroclix game, we don't need harder ones to find!). I'm also also hoping that the dials for Shazam, Black Adam and the Crime Syndicate are good representations of the characters (with Indomitable for both Shazam and Black Adam!).

10. I want the rumors to be true that Sony and Disney may be making a deal for Spider-man to be in the Marvel film universe in the near future!

Hope you get everything you want for Christmas... unless you're evil. Then Krampus is coming to kidnap you and beat you and probably eat you!

Merry Christmas!

File Under: Christmastime for Batman

Toaster's Guilty Pleasures: He-Man and She-Ra: A Christmas Special

 So I decided to go back to my childhood days and re-watch the He-Man Christmas Special, having not seen it since it's original air date in 1987. Will I like it now as much as I did as a kid? Not a fucking chance. 

What follows is my running commentary:

Christmas on Eternia… right off the bat I’m picturing a beefy, muscular Jesus Christ… probably renamed Christor, armed with a magic cross-sword and wearing furry boots and the mandatory loincloth. I’m pretty sure that all males on Eternia are required to wear loincloths under penalty of having to clean the dingle-berries from Beast Man’s ass.

But I forgot that Queen Marlena was from Earth. Somehow I doubt she brings the true religious origins of Christmas to Eternia… just the weird decorations, annoying songs and of course rampant Capitalism.

Holy crap, I forgot how bad the animation was. As a kid I never noticed, but everything was so lazy and choppy. They do a panning shot of everyone getting ready for the party and almost everyone is frozen in place with that dumb She-Ra owl thing floating up and down. In speaking of She-Ra, when she talks it’s like a woman who had way too much Botox… he mouth moves but her face is dead! I picture the animation department getting high and then realizing “Oh man, we only got an hour to finish the episode!”

Prince Adam… who is apparently the most muscular wuss-bag in the universe, is helping Man-At-Arms make a rocket. Man-At-Arms always had that rockin’ mustache. He was like the Ron Swanson of Eternia. I wonder if Man-At-Arms ever did porno? I remember the old school figure of Man-At-Arms never had the mustache and I remember feeling cheated.

Orko… Eternia’s Jar Jar Binks. He’s like a floating magic retard with cat ears. I loved Orko as a kid, but now I see he was part of that terrible pantheon of annoying ass kid friendly characters that ruined whatever they were a part of… like Bat-Mite from that Batman and Robin cartoon and Slimer from The Real Ghostbusters and Snarf on the Thundercats and that fucking baby on Dinosaurs. Can you imagine if they made a TV show starring only those irritating “Hey kids, love me!” characters? After the first five minutes the entire audience would be dead from self-inflicted gunshot wounds.

So of course Orko breaks into the rocket… like literally he has to break the door to enter. Can’t he teleport? Whatever. He pretends to drive the rocket like a race car and breaks a handle; this somehow launches the rocket. It makes perfect sense. I mean, whenever I get a flat tire, my car explodes. Oh wait… THAT MAKES NO SENSE!

Skeletor sees the rocket and then has a conniption fit when Two-Bad starts arguing. Dude, calm down. This is what happens when your army is comprised of idiots. So he chases Orko because… he’s a dick. I don’t know; villainous motivations on this show were pretty limited to stealing riches, stealing ultimate weapons and world conquest.

Holy shit! How did She-Ra get a waist that thin? Did she get her kidneys removed? “Then He-Man and his girl haircut is going after that rocket!” Transform from gay outfit to ridiculously gay outfit! Hey, why did He-Man always have a German Iron Cross on him? Was a blonde-haired blue eyed white super human with a swastika too obvious?

So He-Man and She-Ra break Skeletor’s air-ship. Meanwhile, Orko decides to use a magic spell to land the rocketship. This won’t end well. Hey, I thought Rattlor was one of the Snake-men. What is he doing working for Skeletor? And what the hell is up with Spikor’s voice? He sounds like a Speak N’ Spell with dying batteries. Skeletor ejects all of the idiots from his ship… easily the smartest thing he will do throughout this special.

So the rocket goes into outer space and He-man and She-ra go after it. In space… where there’s no air. She-Ra is riding her winged horse and He-man’s on a sky speeder. The rocket warps away, but He-man is relieved that nobody’s in it. That’s right, He-man… it’s all good. Go home and celebrate being rid of the re… I mean, Christmas.

So Orko crash lands on planet… winter and he actually manages to save some kids from an avalanche by competently using magic! Hey, even a broken clock is right twice a day. Turns out the kids are getting a Christmas tree, so either Orko landed on Earth or it’s one of those amazing coincidences that another planet celebrates a holiday based on a specific branch of mono-theism… sort of like when aliens just happen to speak perfect English!

So Marlena, She-Ra and Teela realize Orko’s missing and for some reason are concerned. They tell He-Man and Porn-stache. They realize he must have been on the rocket and decide they have to find him. No they don’t. Just move on.

“Everybody knows what Christmas is!” (Disclaimer: Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindis and Taoists may not actually know what Christmas is.) The kids tell Orko all about Christmas and he falls in love with the idea so much that he brings Christmas to Bikini Bottom.  Oh, wait, wrong special. What is up with the little girl’s eyes? It’s like they’re super dilated. Orko learns about the birth of Jesus immediately followed by the story of Santa Claus. Strangely, telling an alien these two stories back to back will make it very hard to distinguish which is a religious messiah and which one has his image on everything and guys impersonating him at malls. I think it would be fun to make the alien guess which one is considered real and which is make believe.

So the heroes determine that Orko landed on Earth and ‘Stache-At Arms says his transporter beam could get him back except it requires a water crystal that doesn’t exist on Eternia. I’m just going to let that logic sink in a moment.  Did you ever notice that She-Ra’s transformation features a lot of glowing magic sperm? Kind of disturbing. I am actually torn whether I would want to ride a flying horse or a tiger with battle armor. Both are pretty awesome… even if the horse makes me look like a girl. Holy shit, her horse can talk? I never knew that. Seriously, I just collected Hordak and the Horde; I didn’t give a shit about the Barbarian Barbies.

So She-Ra gets the crystal with the help of a French mermaid. Then she has to battle some big robots. Where the fuck is Hordak? Wait a minute, the robots turn into other forms? Is she on Cybertron? No, their transformations are too lame… their probably inbred Go-Bots. Seriously, where is Hordak? I should not be seeing this much She-Ra without Hordak popping up.

So 70’s ‘Stache sends his teleport beam and Orko convinces the kids to go into the beam with him. I would like to remind everyone that this was in the 1980’s when all kids were told to not talk to strangers. I’m not saying Orko was a child rapist… just that he always covered his face, designed himself to be appealing to children and who the hell knows what’s under that skirt thing he wears. Okay, given what I just said, Prince Adam’s reaction upon seeing them return to Eternia doesn’t help. “There he is! Ooooh… they’re they are!” You can watch it yourself, I swear to God that is what he said! Marlena suggests combining the twin birthdays of He-Man and She-Ra with Christmas. She must hate them. She reassures the little girl that Santa will find her and her brother on Eternia. I think she meant the warrior space known as Santor, the Heroic Crusader of Christmas! He gives children sharp weapons and loincloths. 

Hell yeah! I remember the introduction of Horde Prime, at least it was to me since I had never watched She-Ra (like I already stated). Sensing a “disturbance in the Force” which I suppose was either the Christmas spirit or gas, Prime summons Skeletor and Hordak and tells them to destroy Christmas; whomever succeeds will be rewarded… I suspect with more action figure versions of their character. By the way, why was Hordak a weird cross between “pig” Ganondorf and a professional wrestler? The Hordak from the more recent Masters of the Universe series was a lot cooler.

So we get some scene where the kids are hanging with a couple She-Ra characters… the ditsy blonde sorceress Perfuma and Bow… whom I could never figure out if he was gay or the most brilliant man in the Masters of the Universe-verse by being the only dude in an all hot-chick army. The kids start singing some Christmas on Eternia song that they “just made up” while Orko and that owl-thing start dancing… and I start cleaning my gun. Then the kids are beamed aboard Hordak’s dildo shaped helicopter. See, this proves how much more competent is Hordak was than Skeletor… Skeletor couldn’t capture Orko by himself and Hordak captures Orko and the kids in one try!

So then Hordak gets attacked by the dumbass Go-Bots. Strangely Hordak and his minions become Scooby Doo characters and run away, abandoning the kids to them. But don’t worry, because they get rescued by these stupid fucking Smurf robot things called Manchines, who oppose the Idiot-bots. Ugh.. I hate them already. They end up surrounded by the Lame-bots but He-man and She-Ra show up to kick some ass. But then more Smurf-bots show up… ugh… and the fact that the giant evil robots are defeated by the tiny Manchines shows how fucking stupid they are! Oh God, there’s a Smurf-bot puppy! I hate them all so much!

Then Skeletor shows up and somehow takes the kids (and the fucking dog robot) without He-Man, She-Ra or the Manchines noticing. Yeah, sure, fine… whatever gets this over faster. Then, Hordak attacks Skeletor. I love how the bad guys do exposition. “Skeletor has damaged my ship; I’ll have to go back!” and “I’ll have to land in that snow.” Huh, I also just noticed that Skeletor has 8-pack abs. Yet he has no eyes but can see where he’s going. God bless cartoon logic.

So now we get to the best part of the special… Skeletor versus Christmas! For fear that Hordak will return with reinforcements, Skeletor demands the children to walk with him to avoid capture, but the kids are too cold. Reluctantly, Skeletor uses his magic staff to give them winter coats. The kids are like “Thank you Mr. Skeletor… you’re so kind!” He replies “No I’m not!” He tries to make them abandon the dog, but after hearing it’s cries… well they say that Skeletor’s bony heart grew three sizes that day! He ends up carrying the dog, complaining “I don’t know what’s happening to me!” The whole segment is hilarious. Skeletor even ends up smiling.

Then both He-man with She-Ra and Hordak with his troops arrive… all wanting the children. Stranger danger, kids! He-man even says “When you two are finished, we’ll take the kids.” Were the Thundercats ever this disturbing? So a battle ensues. Horde Prime shows up to capture the kids… but Skeletor is overcome by the feeling that he must save them! After forcing Prime’s ship to crash, Skeletor is saved from retaliation by He-man and She-Ra, who throw the ship into space. Seriously, how strong is He-Man? Even Superman would struggle with throwing a big starship into the air, through the atmosphere, defying gravity mind you and sending it flying into outer space at a pretty fast speed.

In the end, we get another panning shot of Snout Spout putting the star on the Christmas tree and everyone else frozen in place. You get lots of cameos from awesome lesser featured Masters of the Universe characters, like Sy-Klone, Fisto and Mossman… you know, characters that you would have much rather seen in action instead of stupid fucking robot Smurfs. Prince Adam dresses like Santa, because Eternia would totally have a Santa costume sitting around even though a few days ago they never heard of him. (Maybe Sew-Man, the heroic master of sewing, whipped one up.) Hey, I just noticed that Prince Adam sounds a lot like Matthew Broderick. So would that mean He-Man is like his Ferris Bueller alter-ego? Weird.

So Ron Swansor sends the kids back home to their mom and… Captain Lou Albano Mario.  They, the great parents that they are, aren’t concerned where their kids were for several days and don’t believe their kids were on another planet (well, technically two other planets). And for some reason, Prince Adam thought it would be a good idea to give two children belts that allow them to fly. And of course we have to end with Orko… in two cutsie “Hey kids, love me!” segments. I seriously don’t remember the Orko from the more recent Masters of the Universe series being that annoying.

Holy shit I am glad I didn’t buy this and decided to watch it on Youtube. But that Skeletor part was awesome. I would have preferred a whole special where Skeletor is slowly consumed by the Christmas spirit despite his attempts to thwart it and the concern of his evil, dim-witted minions… now that I would buy.

By the Power of Grayskull, Merry Christmas!

Toaster's Ramblings - "It's a Wonderful Life: The Bastard Sequel" Edition

It is a tradition with me. Every Christmas Eve at 8 pm, I plop down in front of the television and watch It's a Wonderful Life. I love the film for everything it represents and the feelings it creates within me. It's a Wonderful Life is like this time capsule of a world I will never know. Before television or computers or smartphones... its a small quaint town where the people were a close-knit community and where, for some reason, many spoke in that 1930's tough guy vernacular. It was a place where people were genuinely good at heart... except for that one evil guy that represented everything that the "Norman Rockwell" picturesque America opposed. I often wonder how much of this world really existed, but it didn't have to be real at all. It was Frank Capra's world and as long as his films are still able to be seen, that world is just as real as you want it to be.

And then today I read this headline on Yahoo: http://movies.yahoo.com/news/wonderful-life-sequel-coming-2015-213200658.html

Seriously, is nothing sacred? I am used to Hollywood bastardizing its own legacy in the pursuit of easy money (which is kind of ironic seeing as how It's a Wonderful Life was a box office bomb when it was released in 1946!). A few of those remakes aren't even that bad. But I always figured there were a few works that were off limits... films like Orson Wells' Citizen Kane, Charlie Chaplin's City Lights, Fritz Lang's Metropolis and The Wizard of Oz (which I am very fearful will be remade with the success of Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland and the recent Oz the Great and Powerful). I had thought that Frank Capra's holiday masterpiece would have been on that list as well. Oh wait, you say it's a sequel and not a remake? BULLSHIT! The article says its the same damn plot! I don't care how many of George Bailey's kids are cast in the movie, it might as well be a remake!

This is just plain cash grabbing greed! What's the damn point? The plot of It's a Wonderful Life has been parodied countless times in television... almost as much as A Christmas Carol! Did we really need a movie to give us the exact same plot? I can only imagine how bad it will be. Actually, its not hard to imagine. Just look at A Christmas Story 2. (Don't look directly at it, you may go blind.)  I knew to avoid that movie like the plague, but I did catch a review that confirmed my fears. The sequel (which by the way was technically the second sequel to the original classic) basically attempted to emulate the original like a bad impersonation rather than try to create anything new or original. Lost was any of the genuine concepts of childhood such as the wrath of a mouthful of soap and the wonder of a Christmas tree surrounded by beautifully wrapped gifts or even the memorable quirkiness of the Old Man's "Major Prize." Those ideas were referenced abundantly throughout the movie, in lieu of creating anything remarkable of their own. Instead, the filmmakers decided to show the audience a sub-par movie while constantly referencing a better one.

Likewise with this bastard sequel of It's a Wonderful Life, the magic will not be there. Movies are not written or directed like they were back in the 1940's, so it will clearly feel different... not to mention almost certainly in color. You won't have the lovable, honest and amazing performance of the late great Jimmy Stewart, which was a major reason for the success of the film. In fact, none of the notable actors are still around. One of the great aspects of the original is that you explore George Bailey's life leading up to his moment of crisis, further encapsulating the look of the film as from a bygone era. Is this new one going to explore George Bailey II's life through the 80's, 90's and 00's? It just won't be the same... or even close for that matter.

I can only hope this movie goes direct to video and disappears like other bastard holiday sequels like the aforementioned A Christmas Story 2 and National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation 2. You know, I wouldn't bitch as much (or at all, really) if Hollywood decided to remake or sequelize Santa Claus Conquers the Martians! But no, they have to bastardize the time honored classics... I guess as opposed to the cult classic MST3K mocked film.

I can only hope the filmmakers are visited by guardian angels who show them how much better off the world would be if they didn't make It's a Wonderful Life 2.

Only Hugh Laurie and Stephen Fry can cheer me up now:

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas...

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas I saw on DVD… the Justice League episode “Comfort and Joy”

On the heels of the successes of Batman the Animated Series and Superman the Animated Series, a new series comprised of DC’s premiere superhero team the Justice League debuted on Cartoon Network. Justice League continued Warner Brother’s and Bruce Timm’s animated DC universe by bringing in new interpretations of classic characters and huge story-lines involving some of the biggest super-villains around. Most importantly, Justice League continued to deliver the great writing that made the preceding shows so amazing.

  “Comfort and Joy” begins with Superman, Green Lantern John Stewart, Hawkgirl, Flash and Martian Manhunter helping save an otherworldly civilization from certain doom. Once the threat was taken care of, the group adjourns to celebrate Christmas in their own ways. The episode is split between three storylines; one involves the Flash, the next Superman and Martian Manhunter and the final one Green Lantern and Hawkgirl.

Green Lantern shows Hawkgirl, a warrior from the planet Thanagar, what the Earth holiday means to him. After an epic snowball fight involving each using their powers, Hawkgirl takes Green Lantern to a distant world to show him what she considers a good time. They end up in a bar full of various types of extra-terrestrials. This good time that Hawkgirl was talking about is to start a massive bar brawl, in which every creature joyfully takes part. In the end, the experience clearly brings John Stewart and Hawkgirl closer together, as the series continually hints that they end up together.

Flash goes home to Central City to visit an orphanage. The kids desperately want a sold out toy called DJ Rubber Ducky, an electronic doll that talks and makes farting noises in the form of a dance beat. Flash vows to get the toy for the kids and eventually manages to get one from the manufacturer in Japan. On his way back to the orphanage, Flash encounters a museum being wrecked by the Ultra-Humanite, a giant albino gorilla with the brain of a mad scientist. In their fight, Ultra-Humanite falls onto and breaks the DJ Rubber Ducky toy. Seeing how disappointed Flash is about the predicament, Ultra-Humanite helps rebuild the toy.

Feeling alone and out of place during the festive yuletide season, Martian Manhunter is brought with Superman to Smallville to spend Christmas with his parents. Still feeling like he doesn’t belong, Martian Manhunter goes around the town to see how everyone interacts and celebrates. During this time, he discovers that the warmth and joy of the season is extended to him and that even a lonely Martian can find his place.  

This Christmas episode really went above and beyond for me. There is so much to love about “Comfort and Joy.” There are great little moments within, such as learning that Ma and Pa Kent still use lead wrapping paper on Clark’s gifts so he can’t peek and a great callback to Martian Manhunter’s love of chocolate sandwich cookies from the comics. More importantly, “Comfort and Joy” really encapsulates the ideas of Christmas to me. Every time I watch it, I am left with a good feeling.

 

On the Merry Meter I give “Comfort and Joy” a full 10 out of 10.

This concludes my Twelve Days of Christmas cartoon episode reviews. I hope you liked them. It was fun to watch many of these over again, some of them I hadn’t seen in many years! Hope you all have a Merry Christmas. (And for those who don’t celebrate Christmas, have a good December 25^th anyway.)

Stay strange everyone.  

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas...

On the Eleventh Day of Christmas I saw on DVD… The Tick Loves Santa!

I absolutely love the Tick, both the comic and the cartoon from the mid 90’s. (The live action show wasn’t bad either.) The Tick is a super strong “nigh-invulnerable” powerhouse that is both dimwitted and fairly delusional. He’s like a big dumb kid with super powers. Along with his straight-laced and anxious sidekick Arthur, who flies about in a moth costume, the Tick fights all sorts of weird and ridiculous supervillains.

 So “The Tick Loves Santa” begins with a criminal running from the cops. He disguises himself as Santa Claus, but fails to fool the police. When the criminal runs across the Tick and Arthur, the Tick is enamored at meeting the jolly fat man. In a final desperate attempt at a getaway, the criminal leaps off a building only to crash into a giant neon sign. Landing square on the letter M, the fake Santa is apparently electrocuted, horrifying the Tick who now believes that Santa Claus is dead.

But the fake Santa didn’t die. He awoke to discover the electric shock gave him the power to create duplicates of himself that obey his commands. Taking the name “Multiple Santa,” he creates an army of evil Santa duplicates to commit a huge crime spree.

While Tick and Arthur are out caroling with other superheroes, they find the Multiple Santa army commiting crimes. The sheer number of Santas overwhelm the heroes and to make matters worse, the most powerful among them won’t help defeat them. For you see, the Tick could never hurt Santa!

In the best part of the episode, the Tick and Arthur meet the real Santa Claus. This encounter has one of the greatest quotes to ever come from The Tick cartoon. As the Tick is seated on Santa’s lap, crushing him slightly, Santa tells him “Tick, I love you like a son. You’ve kept the faith longer than any sane adult could.” That line alone epitomizes the very essence of the Tick’s character. He lives in a happy little world of absolute good and if anything should interfere with that good, it must be stopped!

I definitely recommend checking out this episode and hell, the entire cartoon series of The Tick. It pains me to know how many geeks have never even heard of the character, his comic or the television shows. The Tick helped pave the way for other super hero genre parodies like the Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law and the Venture Brothers (Christopher McCulloch was the storyboard artist on The Tick and even wrote 6 episodes). I just wish someone would have released the ENTIRE series onto DVD; Seasons 1 and 2 each had an episode omitted for some reason and season 3 was never released. (I had to buy mine in a *ahem* less official capacity.)

On the Merry Meter I give “The Tick Loves Santa” 9 out of 10

Tune in tomorrow as we wrap up this experiment in time consumption and merriment with a "super" Christmas episode.

On the Tenth Day of Christmas...

On the Tenth Day of Christmas I saw on DVD… Rocko’s Modern Christmas.

Somewhere in the early to mid 90’s, a fourth Nicktoon was created to follow Doug, Rugrats and Ren & Stimpy. This show was Rocko’s Modern Life (or as Jonny Prophet likes to call it, the Prequel to Spongebob). Rocko was a mild mannered if not slightly naive anthropomorphic wallaby that was a perpetual fish out of water in a big world that would often walk all over him. He had a slightly dimwitted dog named Spunky and his best friends were an overweight bull named Heffer and a neurotic turtle named Filbert. Rocko’s biggest antagonist was his next door neighbor Mr. Bighead, a big mouthed frog that seemed to delight in other people’s misery. 

 So Rocko is bummed that there is no snow on Christmas Eve. To try to cheer himself up and rekindle his Christmas spirit, he decides to throw a party, which quickly balloons into a huge party with half the town invited. On his way to the mall to buy refreshments and decorations for the party, Rocko notices his new neighbors moving in across the street are elves. A tiny elf decides to follow Rocko but ends up getting captured by some bullies. Rocko helps the elf escape and takes the little guy home.

Upon getting the little elf safely home, Rocko meets the rest of the elves, who are busy doing various Christmas activities like decorating, toy building or creating a robot Santa with eyes that shoot disintegrating laser beams. Rocko decides to invite the elves to the party as well.

But Mr. Bighead is an asshole. Under the impression that he wasn’t invited to the party, he decides to spread a rumor that the elves coming to the party are diseased. Before you know it, everyone bails on poor Rocko, leaving him all alone at his party. His body is discovered days later from an apparent suicide by hanging. Okay, that last bit didn’t happen. That probably would have been more traumatic for children than a hundred Bambi’s moms mowed down by a firing squad and it would have certainly lacked the Christmas spirit.

I really enjoyed Rocko’s Modern Life, so much so that I bought the series. It was kind of bizarre in its humor. Even the Christmas episode had these weird jokes such as the aforementioned Santa robot or my personally favorite Fruitcake Man, a man at the mall made entirely out of fruitcake who invites children to sit on his lap and take a piece of him. I can see Jonny’s point that the show seemed like the prototype for Spongebob Squarepants. The two shows feature much the same humor and many of the characters can be paralleled; i.e. Patrick is like Heffer, Squidward is like a cross between Filbert and Mr. Bighead, etc.  

 

 

On the Merry Meter, I give Rocko’s Modern Christmas a 7 out of 10.

Tune in tomorrow for my review of one of the funniest Christmas episodes ever.

On the Ninth Day of Christmas...

On the Ninth Day of Christmas my TiVo saved for me, the Black Dynamite episode “A Crisis at Christmas or the Dark Side of the Dark Side of the Moon.”

DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE!

It was a long wait for the animated version of the 2009 film Black Dynamite to premiere on Adult Swim and it did not disappoint. For those who have not seen the show (shame on you!) it is a parody of the Blaxploitation genre featuring a ridiculously over-the-top “alpha male” character in Black Dynamite. Not only is he a master of martial arts, carries a huge gun, is incredibly well hung and all women want him, but he also has an aggressive demeanor and is prone to excessive acts of violence.  When not fighting evil and knocking “the man” down a peg, Black Dynamite and his running crew of Bullhorn, Cream Corn and Honey Bee operate a “Whorephanage” (a home for whores and orphans).   

 So we learn through a series of hilarious scenes that Black Dynamite doesn’t really get the whole Christmas spirit thing. Maiming his orphans with snowballs and putting a gun to Santa’s head have led everyone to be a lot less jolly when Black Dynamite’s around. However, Black Dynamite finds a way that he could make up for his ways when an opportunity arises for him to go to the moon ad bring back some moon rocks for the orphans.

Unfortunately, the man who will be joining him is O.J. Simpson, the most loved black man in America (did I mention that the series takes place sometime in the 1970’s?)

Black Dynamite and the Juice have a long and complicated history together, but BD has to suck it up for the orphans. Right before lift-off however, O.J. reveals his cowardice by literally getting out of his seat and fleeing the launch pad. To make matters worse, the rocket explodes in space, seemingly killing Black Dynamite in the process.

I don’t want to give away very much, but the episode is hilarious. It is everything I could have wanted in a Black Dynamite Christmas. It is irreverent, profane, witty and full of violence. Hell, Santa even makes an appearance!

On the Merry Meter, out of fear of Black Dynamite kicking a whole through my chest, I give “A Crisis at Christmas or the Dark Side of the Dark Side of the Moon” a 10 out of 10.

 Tune in tomorrow for a seemingly forgotten Nicktoon Christmas.  

On the Eighth Day of Christmas...

On the Eighth Day of Christmas, I saw on DVD… the Darkwing Duck episode “It’s a Beautiful Leaf.”

Most geeks who were children in the early 90’s have fond memories of Darkwing Duck. I was going to describe Darkwing Duck as a cross between Batman and the Shadow, but he was really more like the Shadow (which is funny as Batman was heavily based on the Shadow). DW wore a similar outfit to the Shadow complete with a long brimmed hat, he relied heavily on smoke clouds and even had a trademark line used to scare baddies (“I am the terror who quacks in the night…” versus “Who knows what even lurks in the hearts of men...”). Unlike Batman or the Shadow, Darkwing Duck was an ego-driven borderline bumbling idiot; after all, the show was a comedy. 

 So “It’s a Wonderful Leaf” starts out in a busy (and by busy I mean those videos you see on YouTube of near riots at Black Friday sales) shopping mall where people are fighting each other over basic items. Dr. Bushroot, the plant-duck villain, is try to shop but due to his wimpy nature is getting pummeled and abused.

You know what, I’m going to stop right here. Dr. Bushroot was lame. There, I said it. He was this pathetic wuss-bag who was turned into a plant creature with control of other plants… and still managed to be a pathetic wuss-bag. Being a plant guy with plant control powers? He could have been immensely powerful! (Just as Swamp Thing!) Instead, he was just sad. Why couldn’t this Christmas episode have one of Darkwing’s cooler villains like Nega-Duck, Steelbeak, Megavolt (most people’s favorite) or hell, how about Quacker Jack? The psychotic, toy-obsessed clown duck guy would have been perfect for Christmas. But alas… we got Bushroot.

(I am reminded of a quote from the Clerks Animated Series: “Next week a better episode, but for now… courage.”)

So to get revenge, Bushroot vows to ruin everyone’s Christmas by taking over Christmas trees and commanding them to do his bidding. His bidding is apparently playing pranks on people and committing acts of petty larceny. That’ll show them. Even his evil schemes are lame!

So in the meantime, Drake Mallard (Darkwing’s mild-mannered alter ego) is attempting to keep his adopted daughter Gosalyn from peaking at her Christmas presents. (I don’t know why he didn’t hide the gifts and put them out on Christmas Eve after she went to bed, but I am arguing with a show about an anthropomorphic duck crime fighter and I don’t even drink.) Eventually Darkwing had to fight Christmas trees and Bushroot. Oh, and Gosalyn gave her presents to her friend Honker after a tree stole his gifts. How nice.

I could seriously name off ten episodes of Darkwing Duck I would have rather watched off the top of my head. (Challenge accepted: The introduction of Megavolt, both the Justice Ducks episodes, the one where Steelbeak stopped the Earth’s rotation, Quacker Jack’s debut, the one where Darkwing went blind, the one where Darkwing got spider powers, the one where Darkwing got super speed, the introduction of the Liquidator, and most definitely “Dark Warrior Duck.” Booyah!) This wasn’t that great an episode. Bushroot’s plan was stupid. I don’t remember ever seeing this one, but if I did, I probably repressed it out of boredom. Damn you Bushroot!

On the Merry Meter, I give “It’s a Wonderful Leaf” a 3 out of 10. 

Tune in tomorrow when Black Dynamite learns the true meaning of Christmas... or just kicks some ass. Either way, I'm happy!

On the Seventh Day of Christmas...

On the Seventh Day of Christmas, I saw on DVD… the Tailspin episode “A Molly Jolly Christmas.”

Disney’s Tailspin was a cartoon from the early 90’s that was a weird mesh of the Mouse’s interpretation of Rudyard Kipling’s The Jungle Books and some sort of 1930’s-esque Art Deco meets anthropomorphic animal world with a huge emphasis on aviation.  Somehow it worked and Tailspin became my favorite of the all the Disney syndicated cartoons from the late 80’s and 90’s. 

So the story centers on Molly, the daughter of Rebecca (the owner of Higher for Hire). Molly becomes disillusioned with Christmas and Santa Claus after Baloo told her she would be visited by the “peppermint fairy” to replace her broken candy cane. When Baloo forgot to switch out the candy under her pillow that night, Molly starts to question what other things she has been lied to about… such as Santa Claus. Eager to make up for his blunder and keep her Christmas spirit alive, Baloo arranges for his friend Louie to dress up as Santa and turn his island, usually a pilot tavern, into a makeshift North Pole.

Everything seems to be going well until it is revealed that Molly’s letter to Santa asks for nothing but for it to snow, as a gift to her mother who misses winters of her childhood. Since neither Baloo nor Louie can control the weather, not to mention that it never snows in Cape Suzette, this is a problem. A plan is hatched to fill Baloo’s plane, the Sea Duck, with soap flakes and dump it in the air over Molly and Rebecca. Unfortunately, Don Karnáge air pirates have plans of their own.

I hadn’t seen this episode in a long time, so I had forgotten that Don Karnáge and his band of air pirates were in it. I love Don Karnáge. He’s like if Desi Arnaz was not really sure what his accent was and had been a flamboyant, swashbuckling, somewhat-evil anthropomorphic fox. I think he and Megavolt would have to duke it out to determine my favorite of the Disney syndicated cartoon villains and there’s a good chance Karnáge would win.  

Don Karnáge and his ragtag band of air pirates plan to take to the skies and create their own Christmas by forcing pilots to give them “presents.” They end up coming after the Sea Duck under the belief that it has valuable cargo. In the ensuing air-battle, the Sea Duck gets riddled with bullets and all the soap flakes fly out of the plane before Molly can see it. Around the same time, Louie’s cover is blown when ornery pilots burst into his club. Molly is disappointed. Christmas is ruined.

Okay, so Christmas isn’t really ruined, but I won’t give away the ending. (Okay, it turns out Molly is in an asylum and the world of Tailspin is all in her head.) Anyways, this episode was alright. I think it could have been better. There are episodes of Tailspin that I much prefer over this one with more action and humor. I was happy to see Don Karnáge in it, though. 

(Okay, here's the real ending of the episode...)

On the Merry Meter, I give “A Jolly Molly Christmas” a 5 out of 10

On the Sixth Day of Christmas...

On the Sixth Day of Christmas, I saw on DVD… the Batman the Animated Series episode “Christmas with the Joker.”

 

This was the second episode of Batman TAS and the first to feature the Joker. It didn’t rely on an origin story as with most of Batman’s rogues, mainly because nobody really knows Joker’s back-story. The episode just sort of throws you into Arkham Asylum to witness the Joker escape by riding an already converted Christmas tree like a rocket right out the building.

We jump ahead to Christmas Eve, as Robin cannot seem to convince Batman to just relax and enjoy the holiday. After an uneventful patrol of the city, Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson settle in for a viewing of “It’s A Wonderful Life” (which is also my tradition) to find all the channels are on some odd show. The host of the show? The Joker. And it’s on.

This is a classic episode of this beloved series, but whenever I watch it I have to question how Joker can pull off some of this stuff. How did her convert the huge telescope of an observatory onto a cannon? Where did he get several robots with machine gun hands that all look like him? I mean, if anyone thought that the Joker in The Dark Knight had an excessively unrealistic or over-elaborate scheme, this would about give that person a stroke!

Don’t get me wrong, though. I nitpick out of a source of love. It doesn’t really matter how ridiculous the Joker’s schemes were or where he got those giant robot toy soldiers. It’s the freakin’ Joker and he was voiced by Mark Hamill! That’s all it takes. Still, I will admit there were better Joker episodes than this one. And if I really want to be critical I will also note that, to me, “Christmas With the Joker” kind of lacked that warm, gooey feeling that I tend to love about other holiday themed television episodes. But I digress, Batman and Robin barely surviving the Joker’s traps and ultimately saving the Christmas… it doesn’t get much better than that.

 

On the Merry Meter I give “Christmas with the Joker” 9 out of 10.

On the Fifth Day of Christmas...

On the Fifth Day of Christmas, I saw on DVD… the Freakazoid episode “In Arm’s Way”

The same team behind the Animaniacs and Batman the Animated Series created something of an amalgamation between them with Freakazoid in the late 90’s. Freakazoid was an insane, goofy, wise-cracking superhero that was surprisingly effective at defeating various strange villains. It was a comedy that poked fun at the superhero concept with absurd humor and witty dialogue. I personally loved the show, but it wasn’t very successful. Freakazoid was cancelled after only one season. Reruns aired for a time on Cartoon Network but now it seems the show has simply disappeared into the recesses of television history.  I felt the need to buy the entire series at a comic con and was surprised to find it did in fact have a Christmas episode.

 

Technically, Freakazoid had half a Christmas episode. The show usually was separated into two 11 minute story segments (much the way Spongebob Squarepants does) and the episode “In Arm’s Way” was the first half. The second half was a funny episode called “The Cloud” that had nothing to do with Christmas, so I will focus on the former.

While our hero is Christmas shopping for his friends, a gangster by the name of “Arms” Akimbo terrorizes shopkeepers by ‘coercing’ them to buy his “Oops” insurance. (When asked what Oops insurance was, Arms would break something and say “Oops!”) “Arms” Akimbo got his name due to the fact that his hands are permanently stuck to his hips. He overcame that handicap to become a tough thug that looks and talks like a 1920’s Chicagoland Gangster.

The plot of the episode isn’t that great. It’s the random jokes throughout that really make this worth watching. There’s a running joke that Freakazoid can’t decide what to get his (sort of) girlfriend. He keeps going back and forth between perfume or something weird like a summer sausage shaped like Austria and stuff like that. The episode ends with Freakazoid talking to Cosgrove, a cop friend of his, about the gift for his girlfriend debate. Cosgrove suggests getting her something “a girl would want, like banjo lessons or a new turban.” Cosgrove was my favorite character on the show, in part because he was voiced by Ed Asner, so that was at least a great way to end the episode. All in all, the “In Arm’s Way” wasn’t bad but it wasn’t great. If it had been one of Freakazoid’s funnier villains, such as The Lobe or Armondo Guitierrez (voiced by the late, great Ricardo Montalbam) it would have been a lot better.

On the Merry Meter I give “In Arms Way” a 6 out of 10.

Tune in tomorrow when we have Christmas with a psychotic clown. See you then!

On the Fourth Day of Christmas...

On the Fourth Day of Christmas, I saw on DVD… the Invader Zim episode “The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever”

I love Invader Zim and am still pissed that Nickelodeon cancelled the show.  The cartoon was bizarre, demented, weird, hilarious, original, wildly imaginative and brilliant all at once. Invader Zim never failed to make me laugh. “The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever” was no exception. Even though I had seen it before, I was still laughing out loud throughout. 

In Zim’s latest attempt at world conquest, he discovers the world’s love of Santa Claus after witnessing many bell ringing donation collectors dressed as the jolly fat man. So Zim creates an amorphous suit of techno-organic… stuff, brimming with the knowledge of all things Santa Claus. He reveals himself to the world, in a Christ-like reference, as the triumphant return of St. Nick and easily convinces the masses to follow his command… for the promise of presents.

Dib, a conspiracy theory obsessed kid and Zim’s arch-nemesis, is onto the alien’s schemes. Even though the world won’t listen to him, and his sister Gaz doesn’t care, Dib is determined to stop Zim’s plans to enslave the human race. He infiltrates Zim’s operation only to discover that the Santa suit is conflicting with the alien; it seems the more exposure to positive Christmas elements such as carols or candy canes, the Santa suit starts to take control. Humanity’s best chance for survival comes from an unlikely ally of Dib’s with a grudge against Kris Kringle. The episode leads to the most unlikely and awesomely hilarious battle for Christmas ever!

“The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever” was everything I could have ever wanted from an Invader Zim Christmas episode. It lived up to the strange and deranged nature of the show that came at you with a barrage of different types of comedy; everything from witty and insane dialogue, to sight gags to creating situations so ridiculous you wonder what the hell you are witnessing. Maybe that’s why Nickelodeon cancelled the show… it conflicted with their target demographic… the same innate morons who find Marvin Marvin funny.    

On the Merry Meter I give “The Most Horrible X-Mas Ever” a perfect 10 out of 10. 

 

Tune in tomorrow for more holiday goodness. Until then, Merry Platypus, One and All.

On the Third Day of Christmas...

On the Third Day of Christmas, I saw on DVD… the X-Men episode “Have Yourself a Morlock Little Christmas”

Yes, the X-men cartoon from the mid-90’s had a Christmas episode. It wasn’t very good. I loved the cartoon and still do, despite its choppy animation and bad writing, however this Christmas episode just didn’t work for me.

So you have the X-Men doing stuff to prepare for Christmas. Rogue, Jubilee and Cyclops decorate a massive tree while singing carols. Cyclops is singing ridiculously bad… like beyond tone-deaf bad. He was singing so bad that you would think it was deliberate (which I guess it sort of was). Of course curmudgeonly old Wolverine won’t sing. He is pouting about it being Christmas or something. Like many things in the cartoon it is never really explained, we just fall back on the 2 dimensional personalities of the various X-Men… in this case it is that Wolverine is always angry.

Meanwhile, Beast is doing a science experiment because his personality is that he is smart… which isn’t really a personality but for the X-Men cartoon it somehow counts as one. In the kitchen, Jean Grey is preparing food because her personality is that she is boring and a woman, so she must be a housewife. Seriously, the cartoon really had no idea how to write Jean Grey. She and Cyclops were so boring. Anyways, Jean Grey is mad because Gambit is trying to give her food a kick using Cajun spices, because Gambit’s personality is that he’s Cajun. Yes, I know Cajun is not a personality, but again the X-Men have decided it is so just go with it. 

So Storm, Wolverine and Jubilee go Christmas shopping and then go ice skating. Suddenly an ambulance crashes onto the rink. It was stolen by a couple of Morlocks, those sewer dwelling freak mutants to ugly to live among humans. Apparently fellow Morlock Leech is dying and they were trying to help him. So Storm, Wolverine and Jubilee go help.

Part of my problem with this episode is that it has the plot of a children’s book. Where’s the action? Where’s the conflict. You could have replaced Jubilee with Elmo and had the same result. Plus the humor in the episode feels so forced. Cyclops is singing every other note way off key. Gambit and Jean Grey argue in the kitchen. Those are not jokes. They’re just annoyances.

My biggest problem with this episode is that in the attempt to make the X-Men look like good, kind and generous souls, they instead come across as assholes. Some time before, Storm won leadership of the Morlocks by defeating the previous leader Callisto in a game of Dance Dance Revolution… okay, they just fought, but how awesome would that have been? Anyways, it turns out Storm hasn’t bothered to help the Morlocks out at all since becoming their leader. She just went on living in the X-Mansion.

And that’s another thing; here the X-Men are living in a massive decadent palace and their fellow mutants, ones who are under the care of an X-Man, live in the sewers surviving on scraps. Seriously, there are NINE people living in that huge mansion, but they can’t give even a few rooms to the Morlocks? In fact, at the end of the episode, the Morlocks offer the X-Men some of their own meager amounts of food for Christmas dinner in an act of thankful generosity. So the Storm, Wolverine, Jubilee and Beast (he showed up to help too… because he’s smart) accept and give Professor X a call to tell them to cancel their own elaborate Christmas dinner. Why the hell didn’t the X-Men invite the Morlocks over to partake in their huge feast?

Lastly, the entire plot of the episode hinges on whether Wolverine will allow his blood to be transfused into Leech as it is the best chance he has at survival. Wolverine doesn’t want to! He is afraid it might not work because of some incident from his past (again, it is never explained… wait, I thought Wolverine couldn’t remember his past?). So basically Leech will die for sure without said transfusion, but because he still might die, Wolverine doesn’t want to go through with it. See? They all seem like dicks!

So yeah, Leech lives. The X-Men sort of learn the true meaning of Christmas. It’s a happy ending to a boring and very forced episode. It wasn’t funny or touching, it was just there. Couldn’t Juggernaut have been trying to steal presents or something? That would have at least created some action.

On the Merry Meter I give “We Wish You a Morlock Christmas” a 2 out of 10. (I give it 2 because of nostalgic value and because they had Gambit wearing a chef’s hat. That’s just funny to me… even if it wasn’t meant to be.)

Stay tuned tomorrow for something much, much better.

On the Second Day of Christmas...

On the 2nd Day of Christmas, I saw on DVD… A Pinky and the Brain Christmas.

It’s sad that children today have no idea who Pinky and the Brain are, let alone Animaniacs, the show where they debuted. I don’t even see reruns aired anywhere! It’s just sad. Thankfully I picked up the Pinky and the Brain Vol. 1, which has their Christmas episode on it.

So the Brain’s ongoing attempts to take over the world have led him to create a doll (in his likeness) named Noodle Noggin. This doll has some sort of hypnotic mind control device inside that will not only place those around it in a trance, but allow Brain to directly give them commands to obey from his mousey lair in Acme Labs. So naturally, Brain needs a few billion of these made, so he decides to go to the North Pole to dupe Santa’s elves into making them for him and then having Santa unknowingly deliver humanity’s enslaving doom all over the world.

Pinky is delighted to hear they are going to see Santa as he has a letter he wants to give St. Nick. Brain, of course, could care less about this letter. And what follows is a humorous adventure where Pinky and the Brain disguise themselves as elves and run amok in Santa’s workshop.

This episode of Pinky and the Brain was pretty good, but not great. It wasn’t as classic as some of their other episodes to me, such as where they raised the Titanic or when Brain had the whole world glued to their televisions to find out what his ‘mystery thing’ was. Don’t get me wrong, it was really funny at times, like how they managed to get a charter flight to the North Pole using an obvious dummy with a sign pinned to the body saying “Hi, North Pole Please.” Pinky also had his usual wealth of hilariously idiotic things to say, such as when he and Brain start out toward the North Pole and Pinky pulls out a compass to assist them. He then looks at the compass in confusion and says “Uh, help me out here.” To which Brain angrily replies “North!”  

I guess the episode just sort of lacked in the middle for me when they were at Santa’s Workshop. It just wasn’t the usual driven comedy of the show except for an occasional Pinky joke. However, I really like the ending of this one. It comes off slightly sappy but given that it’s Christmas themed, that’s not only forgivable but kind of expected.

On the Merry Meter I give “A Pinky and the Brain Christmas” a 7 out of 10. 

Tune in tomorrow for a slight change of pace!

On the First Day of Christmas...

Seeing as how Christmas is my favorite time of year, I decided to review 12 holiday themed episodes of various cartoons… one for each of the Twelve Days of Christmas. 

 

On the 1st Day of Christmas, my TiVo saved for me… the Spongebob Squarepants episode “Christmas Who?”

I know that a newer Christmas episode of Spongebob aired this year, but I honestly thought it paled in comparison to the original. “Christmas Who?” was great not only because of the funny episode, but that it introduced the Patchy the Pirate, President of the Spongebob Squarepants Fan Club, and his bizarre and crappy homage to children’s shows. To be honest, this was the best of the Patchy the Pirate hosted episodes. The jokes were sharper (to read a fan letter, Patchy removes his eye-patch and puts on his reading glasses… with one lens blacked out) and I found the segments absolutely hilarious (such as Patchy’s love/hate relationship with his puppet parrot Potty).

As for the animated part of the show, Spongebob is introduced the concept of Santa Claus and Christmas from his squirrel friend Sandy Cheeks. Ever the wide-eyed dreamer, Spongebob decides to bring Christmas to Bikini Bottom and convince everyone that Santa will bring them gifts on December 25^th… everyone except Squidward.

I have a confession. Part of my love for this Christmas episode is due to the fact that it has a lot of Squidward. I love Spongebob’s stuck-up curmudgeonly neighbor and co-worker. Squidward episodes tend to be my favorite. He just wants to live his dignified artsy upper crust lifestyle, but is surrounded by annoying idiots who constantly wreck his life through misguided acts of kindness. 

So much of this episode is devoted to inadvertently irritating Squidward. One of the ways is with an extremely catchy and funny song called “The Very First Christmas.” It takes a very special Christmas song to have a line like “Go away before I harm you bodily.” I won’t give away the whole episode, but Squidward pays a hefty price learning the true meaning of Christmas… and Santa Claus is insane. 

On the 0 to 10 scale on the Merry Meter, “Christmas Who?” gets perfect 10 out of 10!

Tune in tomorrow for another Christmas themed cartoon episode review!