On the Ninth Day of Christmas...

On the Ninth Day of Christmas my TiVo saved for me, the Black Dynamite episode “A Crisis at Christmas or the Dark Side of the Dark Side of the Moon.”

DYNAMITE! DYNAMITE!

It was a long wait for the animated version of the 2009 film Black Dynamite to premiere on Adult Swim and it did not disappoint. For those who have not seen the show (shame on you!) it is a parody of the Blaxploitation genre featuring a ridiculously over-the-top “alpha male” character in Black Dynamite. Not only is he a master of martial arts, carries a huge gun, is incredibly well hung and all women want him, but he also has an aggressive demeanor and is prone to excessive acts of violence.  When not fighting evil and knocking “the man” down a peg, Black Dynamite and his running crew of Bullhorn, Cream Corn and Honey Bee operate a “Whorephanage” (a home for whores and orphans).   

 So we learn through a series of hilarious scenes that Black Dynamite doesn’t really get the whole Christmas spirit thing. Maiming his orphans with snowballs and putting a gun to Santa’s head have led everyone to be a lot less jolly when Black Dynamite’s around. However, Black Dynamite finds a way that he could make up for his ways when an opportunity arises for him to go to the moon ad bring back some moon rocks for the orphans.

Unfortunately, the man who will be joining him is O.J. Simpson, the most loved black man in America (did I mention that the series takes place sometime in the 1970’s?)

Black Dynamite and the Juice have a long and complicated history together, but BD has to suck it up for the orphans. Right before lift-off however, O.J. reveals his cowardice by literally getting out of his seat and fleeing the launch pad. To make matters worse, the rocket explodes in space, seemingly killing Black Dynamite in the process.

I don’t want to give away very much, but the episode is hilarious. It is everything I could have wanted in a Black Dynamite Christmas. It is irreverent, profane, witty and full of violence. Hell, Santa even makes an appearance!

On the Merry Meter, out of fear of Black Dynamite kicking a whole through my chest, I give “A Crisis at Christmas or the Dark Side of the Dark Side of the Moon” a 10 out of 10.

 Tune in tomorrow for a seemingly forgotten Nicktoon Christmas.  

Toaster's Guilty Pleasures: The Cinema Snob Movie

This is a special edition of Guilty Pleasures. When I met Brad Jones at Wizard World Chicago last August, I placed a pre-order for his movie detailing the secret origin of his character The Cinema Snob. I finally had time to watch it last night and given the nature of the film itself, I figured I might review it here. Some have analyzed this movie already and others will inevitably follow, but I hope that this review will be a bit more insightful as I think I am part of their target demographic (being a weirdo with a love for bad cinema) and as such feel like I know what the filmmakers were going for. So without further ado, I present my review of The Cinema Snob Movie.

 

So the story in a nutshell is that two guys, Craig and Neil, want to make a blaxsploitation flick called “Black Angus” but Dan Phillips, the snooty head of Springfield, Illinois film board, refuses to give them a film permit. So Craig decides to infiltrate the film society by creating a pretentious alter ego in the hopes of tricking Phillips into granting him the necessary permit.  However, Craig soon finds himself caught in the middle of a serial killer’s wrath amidst the ‘seedy underbelly’ of the city’s film aficionados.

Of course Roofies are a pizza topping. Now with this next tape, you're going to 

wonder how I filmed it with a belt around my neck and PVC tubing up my ass...

The Cinema Snob Movie is a black comedy that also acts as a love letter of sorts to the ‘exploitation’ film genre. If you are a fan of Brad Jones’ various internet projects such as The Cinema Snob or 80’s Dan, this movie has the same humor you’ve come to love (and why shouldn’t it? It was written by and stars Mr. Jones!). However, you don’t need to be familiar with anything he’s ever done to appreciate this movie. All you need is a basic love for B-movies and a sense of humor that borders on being twisted. The plot is surprisingly complex for a low-budget film that walks the line of cheese. There are two intertwining plot-lines involving getting the permit and solving the murders as well as multiple subplots; all the while blending comedy with elements of a ‘slasher’ flick. Personally, I think Brad Jones should be proud of what he has written here. This movie has a far better script than most of the schlock he reviews as the Cinema Snob!  

My God, I would LOVE to take a survey!

Most of the performances are pretty good. Brad Jones and Jake Norvell have great comedic timing between themselves and others. Jones is usually the straight man, utilizing his great “what the fuck?” reactions from his video reviews to help accentuate some of the more bizarre humor. Norvell’s Niel character is content to sit back and let everything happen around him as he obsesses with a newfound love of anchovies and eats cheese puffs with a spoon out of a cereal bowl. Internet comedian Noah “The Spoony One” Antwiler plays Gene, their eccentric producer who acts as the voice of reason, but is subtly revealed to be as idiotic as everyone else. As I had expected, Antwiler is one of the high points of this movie. He switches from straight man to comic relief and balances both roles quite well. Director Ryan Mitchelle portrays the antagonistic Dan Phillips using his best James Spader impersonation, an homage pointed out by the character during the film itself. Jillian Zurawski plays Nancy, the dissatisfied wife of Phillips and love interest to Craig. Zurawski, who usually plays more snarky roles in her Jones’ videos, plays a refreshingly less negative character this time around. A few of the smaller roles are played a little stiff while others felt forced, which can be expected when using friends as cast members; but I will point out that with the deliberate B-movie feel of this production, that can be forgiven.

I can't believe I'm actually on a date with Ryan Gosling right after he had total 

facial reconstructive surgery and gained 80 pounds for a role!

My only big complaint with the movie is that the audio is very uneven. Sometimes I can hear everything fine and then other scenes the dialogue is really quiet or buried by background noise. Now this could just be the consequences of small budget independent film-making or it could be deliberate. Many exploitation films have crappy audio tracks, not to mention bad cinematography. The cinematography is not a complaint of mine as director Ryan Mitchelle did a really good job. I did note some visual hiccups, but they seemed like a purposeful nod to the genre. Regardless if the uneven audio was done on purpose or not, it was annoying to me and actually took me out of the story a few times.  

We're currently building our second home entirely out of Gideon Bibles 

we've stolen from hotel rooms across the country.

I do want to note something. I hate to say this as I really did enjoy the movie, but when the plot of Black Angus was described as a guns-blazing bad-ass black dude waging vigilante justice in a 70’s roller disco setting, I instantly thought “Shit, I’d rather be watching that movie!”  Honestly I would love a spin-off sequel of Black Angus to be made!  Make it happen, Stoned Gremlin Productions! 

What the holy fuck do you mean Game of Thrones is over-rated?

Overall, I enjoyed The Cinema Snob Movie. With three commentary tracks included in the Special Features (one of which by "That Guy with the Glasses" founders Doug and Rob Walker), I felt it was well worth the cost. If you are a fan of cheesy exploitation movies, dark comedies and ‘slasher’ flicks, I would recommend jaunting over to http://thecinemasnob.com/ to pick up a copy. On a scale of 0 to 4 James Spaders I give The Cinema Snob Movie 3 & 1/4 James Spaders.  

Who Wants Some Funky 70's Martial Arts Justice?

What do you get when Blaxploitation meets Bruceplotation meets a secret agent movie? You get Black Samurai: Agent for Dragon; this month’s Guilty Pleasure review! While at a comic con last fall, Jonny Prophet and I were buying various cult classic films from a vendor. With the “buy 3 get 1 free” deal, we settled on this little gem as the bonus pick… and what a great pick it was! 

Right off the bat I have to explain that Bruceploitation is a loose term applied to films released after the death of martial arts legend Bruce Lee that are made to cash in off of his legacy. These movies, often very low budget and quality, may use old footage of Bruce Lee, have Bruce Lee look-a-likes, feature his image on the box or just use the word ‘dragon’ somewhere in the title. Essentially anything that can connect the legend of Bruce Lee to the project, even in the minutest way. And just in case you’re a jive turkey, Blaxploitation films were a movie genre in the 1970’s featuring African-American heroes and often a white man as the villain. These movies also tended to be really low budget and pretty campy, but really have their own hilarious charm to them.

                                                      Real men use katanas to trim their afros.

This brings us to Jim Kelly, the star of Black Samurai. You might remember him from Bruce Lee’s final and most successful film Enter the Dragon. (Jim Kelly was the black martial artist with the afro in case you are completely in the dark.) Being an accomplished martial artist in his own right, Jim Kelly built a movie career in the 1970’s from that role, mostly in the Blaxploitation genre. The reason I say Black Samurai has a level of Bruceploitation is because of the “Agent for Dragon” part, which I suspect was added to try to cash in off the Bruce Lee thing as it really has little to do with the story. (It’s actually an acronym for Defense Reserve Agency Guardian Of Nations… which really sounds like they were stretching to fill out the word dragon.) To be fair, out of everyone to take advantage of Bruce Lee’s legacy, I will say Jim Kelly has a pretty decent claim since he was a big part of Enter the Dragon. The only one who I think has more of a claim would be Chuck Norris, but he really went his own way of making more explosive American action films but with a martial arts twist.  But I am getting off subject.   

          After breaking his opponent's arms, Jim Kelly was always nice enough to provide the card of a good surgeon.

So what makes Black Samurai so awesome? First off I must again address our hero Robert Sand, played by Jim Kelly in all his smooth, funky bad ass Seventies style complete with his trademark afro. If you ain’t down with that, you must be some kinda sucka!

                                     Scientific Fact: Cat fights between two foxy ladies can only improve a movie.

Second, the plot is insane! How insane? The daughter of an ambassador is kidnapped and help ransom for top secret information toward building a new weapon called a “freeze bomb.” However the kidnapped victim just happens to be the girlfriend of Robert Sand, sending the secret agent on a mission to rescue her and defeat the evil organization that is holding her… an evil organization run by a white guy who calls himself a ‘Warlock’ and practices voodoo black magic rituals.

                                                            This poor guy just forgot a line. May he rest in peace.

Still not sold? The third reason is that the movie has midgets! That’s right, the evil organization has employed several dwarves to battle Robert Sand. Jim Kelly has to use his martial art skills to fight evil midgets! You should be going on Amazon right now to get a copy.

    Little known fact: Jim Kelly never used pick up lines. He just stared determinedly at the woman until she left with him.

I do want to share one of my favorite scenes to convey just how insanely hilariously awesome this movie is. So Jim Kelly is driving his pimp ass purple convertible and calls HQ, telling them to prepare his boat. He shows up at the dock, opens his trunk and removes a jetpack. He gets onto the boat, puts on the jetpack and flies away. Now the immediate question is “Why did he need the boat?” But wait, it gets better. As he is flying around for what seems like twenty minutes, it cuts back and forth between close ups of Jim Kelly controlling the jetpack and shots of a someone who is totally not a white guy flying with the jetpack. So eventually Jim Kelly lands in a wooded area where he has to fight a midget with a whip and two African tribal warriors that look more like rejects from an old Jonny Quest carton. Don’t worry, my telling you this part won’t spoil the movie or anything. This scene has little to nothing to do with the plot! (I’m not even kidding!)

                                                         This guy was also Cousin Itt and Twiki from Buck Rogers!

If you want a movie to just riff to pieces MST3K style and have a good laugh, or are a fan of Blaxploitation flicks like Superfly, Dolomite, or the absolutely brilliant Black Dynamite, I highly recommend checking out Black Samurai. On the Guilty Pleasure scale of 0 to 4, I give Black Samurai: Agent for Dragon the full 4 out of 4 afros.