Useless Super Powers

The power to sweat on command
The ability to find the needle in the haystack
The power to recite lottery numbers from 1957
The ability to see through screen doors
The power to hear corpses
The ability to communicate with condiment packets
The power to cause spontaneous-combustion to your pants
The ability to recite from memory every episode of Facts of Life
The power to command leaves to do your bidding
The ability to recite Pi to 3,975 places while submerged
The power to grant yourself sexual frustration
The ability to see every color except purple
The power to manipulate cottage cheese to do your bidding
The ability to know whether or not it's a comb-over
The power to channel Abraham Lincoln through a really great shadow puppet in his likeness
The ability to know if clothing fits simply by trying it on
The power to know if it's raining in Tuscon, Arizona
The ability to change the color of your urine
The power to felate your enemies
The ability to travel back in time to exactly one second ago
The power to grant boulders wings