TERRIBLE Comic Book Movie Adaptations (Part 1)

Being a massive geek and a self-hating tool, Hollywood is virtually guaranteed my money when ever they release a comic book adaptation into theaters. But for every Avengers and Dark Knight there are comic book movies so terrible they make the blood boil and in some cases cause feces to spew forth from every orifice on my head (but ironically not from my butt where one would imagine feces to usually spew). In this first installment of a 2-part... thing... I will examine some of my most hated and loathed comic book adaptations. Then at the end, just to prove how much of a tool I am, I will reveal which of these cinematic turds I actually own on DVD! 

(Please note that I have never seen Catwoman or Elektra. I knew to stay away from them. Most of the movies on this list caught me blindsided with the promise of something decent. If I ever do watch Catwoman or Elektra, I imagine while on heavy painkillers, they will probably join this list.)

Batman and Robin – I’m just going to get this one out of the way right now. Everyone knows it sucked; hell it killed the franchise! What more needs to be said? I will say that I do like this movie for its crappiness. It is laughably bad and ripe for lots of riffing. Plus, as Jonny Prophet and our friend Big Daddy J points out, watching Batman and Robin before any newer superhero movie will automatically make it seem so much better by comparison. Oh, and I have to add this because of how much I loved the Nostalgia Critic’s review… BAT CREDIT CARD?!?!

Fantastic Four – I give this movie three positives. First, Michael Chiklis was perfect to play The Thing/Ben Grimm. Second, Chris Evans made an excellent Johnny Storm/Human Torch. Third, Julian McMahon was a good Victor Von Doom (note I used the character’s alias… I will come back to this). Jessica Alba was not a good choice to play Sue Storm/Invisible Woman. She’s not that good of an actress, she really only gets her roles because of her looks. Plus, I don’t want to sound discriminatory, but there are a ton of blonde, white actresses who could have played that part (Charlize Theron for instance). Granted Alba isn’t exactly dark skinned, but she doesn’t look loike the sister of Chris Evans! Even if the part had to be given to an actress who doesn’t look like a Swede, at least give it to one who has acting ability! Ioan Gruffudd was only okay as Mr. Fantastic/Reed Richards; he certainly had the nerdy genius part down. However, he lacked something very important that really helped to solidify the idea of the comic book itself… Reed Richards is a very charismatic man. He’s nerdy, he’s a genius, but people who seemingly have little in common with the man will follow him to the ends of the universe. I never got that from Gruffudd’s performance. I didn’t have a huge problem with Julian McMahon until he put of the Doctor Doom mask. Now, I think it was a mistake to make his powers based on electricity and abandon his science meets magic approach to villainy, but I was willing to look past that. But when Doom puts on that mask he needs to sound intimidating! Julian McMahon sounded exactly the same under the metal mask and it made Dr. Doom sound like a pussy! What if Darth Vader sounded like Hayden Christensen under that mask? Do you think he would have brought the entire galaxy to its knees? Hell no! Finally, the Fantastic Four movie fell victim to the same fate as many comic films, trying to do too much with too little time. We spent the entire movie setting up their origins, building to a battle with Doom that lasted like two minutes.  Thankfully the sequel was marginally better, though Doom’s voice still sucked and weird space cloud Galactus was really lame.

Fantastic Four (Roger Corman version) – This movie is legendary bad. It’s like it should have been on MST3K bad. But the fact that Roger Corman directed it really should have been a warning sign to everyone involved. It’s for that reason that this terrible movie is almost forgivable. Corman has made numerous B-movie classics such as Death Race 2000 and Rock N’ Roll High School and his version of the Fantastic Four holds up to that demented standard. It’s so bad it’s laughable. I will, however, give this movie one positive. When it’s version of Doctor Doom is wearing his armor and mask, he sounds intimidating. Take that Julian McMahon!

Superman III & Superman IV – I’m just lumping these turds together to save time. I love Richard Pryor, but when he’s the bad guy of your Superman movie… GET OUT NOW! Plus, the Brainiac wannabe at the end of the movie was incredibly lame. Oh, and having Superman eat dog food… wow. Did the script writer just hate Superman and wanted to see if he could destroy the character’s legacy and credibility in 120 pages or less? But wait, because somehow Superman IV: The Quest for Peace managed to be worse! How much worse? How about Jon Cryer as Lex Luthor’s evil nephew? That’s right, Ducky was one of Superman’s foes in the fourth film. Or the Nuclear Man whose voice was dubbed over by Gene Hackman? Superman took Mariel Hemingway out into space for a fun little flight… without a space suit or oxygen. The special effects were dick. Sadly, the late Christopher Reeve actually helped write that heap of steaming monkey crap.

The Spirit (aka Frank Miller’s Ego) – All women want Frank Miller. Let’s just establish that right now. On the surface it looked like Frank Miller was directing a faithful homage to the famous character created by his comic book creating mentor and inspiration Will Eisner. However, Jonny Prophet and I made the discovery that Frank Miller had actually turned the Spirit into a twisted mirror self-image of what he wanted himself to be. You see, Frank Miller is unstoppable… represented by the Spirit’s regenerative abilities (a power the Eisner version never had). As already stated, all women want Frank Miller as evidenced by every attractive woman in The City fawning after The Spirit. Somehow the Octopus went from keeping his identity a secret to flaunting his face to everyone in wacky costumes such as a samurai and a Nazi general… which was pretty surreal given the part was played by Sam Jackson! (I must admit that as far as kinky geek fantasies go, Scarlet Johansson’s Nazi outfit could rank right up their with Harley Quinn and “slave” Leia.) As a cock-flavored cherry atop this shit sundae, on the audio commentary for the movie performed by Frank Miller and some sycophantic producer woman to suck his dick, in one form or another he compares himself to Akira Kurosawa, Alfred Hitchcock and Stanley Kubrick. Frank Miller never needs to take an anti-depressant because its always bat-shit crazy Disneyland in his head!

Punisher: Warzone – I actually liked the Punisher movie with Thomas Jane and I don’t remember the Dolph Lundren Punisher, though I suspect that movie could be entertainingly bad what with all the Ivan Drago and He-man jokes to be made.  However, Warzone was all kinds of bad. Don’t get me wrong, Ray Stevenson was a great Frank Castle, I just wish the writing had been better. The movie is over the top violent at times like when the Punisher blows up a Parkour practicing badguy in midair with a missle or when Frank blows the head off a hitman as he is about spill his secrets to the cops (both cases made me laugh for how ridiculously over the top they were.) My biggest complaint was the villain Jigsaw, who someone clearly wanted to by a carbon copy of the Joker. (Given Warzone came out a few months after The Dark Knight, I’m guessing that assessment isn’t far fetched.) Jigsaw was never wacky. He wouldn’t have dressed as Patton in front of an American flag while recruiting minions. Jigsaw was a cocky, sadistic killer. Weirdly, Jigsaw’s brother is far more interesting and threatening than his main villain sibling! Punisher: Warzone strikes me as being the result of two or more people each tugging in a different direction for the story or what the film should feel like. Ultimately it became a dark, gory train-wreck… as train-wrecks often are.

Spider-Man 3 – I am going to be honest, I didn’t hate Spider-Man 3. It wasn’t very good and had massive flaws and at times a horrid plot, but it was tolerable to me. Jonny Prophet and I have talked at length about how the movie could have been improved and every time it came down to either making the story about the second Green Goblin or Venom. The problem was that the natural direction of the trilogy called for a conclusion to the Harry Osborn story that had been building in the first two, but fans were clamoring for Venom and director Sam Raimi wanted Sandman. You can’t fit all three in one film. You could do Goblin with Peter Parker wearing the black suit, then in the fourth film have the black suit become Venom. Half a movie is not adequate time to tell the story of Venom. Beyond that jumbled mess you have ‘evil’ Parker who messes up his hair to signify his turning to the ‘dark side.’ Or, in what will go down as one of the worst comic book movie moments ever, Peter Parker strutting down the street like he was a disco loving John Travolta… yeah, he’s gone real dark. What next, does he only tip his waitress 10%? He must be stopped!  I also really hated the amnesia plot with Harry. Why drag an old sitcom cliché into an action packed Spider-Man movie full of sand monsters and razor teethed alien symbiotes and extreme sports Goblins? Thank God for The Amazing Spider-Man.  

Tune in whenever the hell I get around to posting the second half of this when we explore just how much of a loser fanboy I really am. Until then, stay strange.