The Jonny Rant

Warning: The thoughts and opinions of Jonny Prophet do not necessarily reflect the views of the mentally balanced and society at large.

I love Top Gear; its one of the very few programs that’s both educational and entertaining. I mean, how else I am to know what to drive through the sewers of Belfast? (What? That’s useful information! That may very well come up at some point!) It is also stuff that I am going to want to know later, unlike how to drink my urine out of a snake skin on “Stupid Decisions with Bear Grylls” (I don’t care what the show is really called, that’s what it is! – and yes, I will cover that program at a later time.) So when a couple of years back it was announced that they were doing a Top Gear here in the US, I was cautiously optimistic. (The same phrase I used to describe the Watchmen movie. I’m guessing you can see where I’m going with this.) It could have been really awesome! I mean, Americans have a completely different view of cars than the Brits and Top Gear Australia is decent because it plays to their nation’s unique perspectives.  But no folks, it’s horrible; like finding a turd in an iPad box.

What’s so bad about it, you ask? First off are their lame car reviews. In the UK original, they create short films meant to make you appreciate the attributes of the car in question with special lighting, filters, music and angles; it’s almost like shooting car pornography. It’s enough that even a non-car guy like me can appreciate these machines and even learn about them.  However, in the American version it’s just a regular, boring car review. There’s nothing special about it, no cool music, no jokes and above all else no effort! I would rather watch paint dry (and I have). 

Next are the challenges, which are normally hilariously entertaining. The best UK Top Gear episodes are defined by the challenges that the hosts are given which often lead to competitions with each other. These challenges are typically races to somewhere, inventing new uses for the car, learning amazing things you can do with cars, all of which are highly enjoyable when done by the boys in Britain, but when attempted in America a great premise ends up like yesterday’s lunch getting flushed down the toilet.  In one such US challenge, the presenters are tasked to recreate classic television and film cars on a small budget. Sounds cool, right? It wasn’t. It wasn’t funny, or interesting. It was just straight forward boring.

Third is just the presentation of the show in of itself. Yes, parts of the original are polished and scripted, but not so damn much that it feels completely staged.  The US version feels extremely forced, like when a guy is dragged to a Katherine Heigl movie and has to pretend he loved it as much as his date in the hopes he can get some action later. The music selection on original is great, featuring instrumental parts of songs by groups like Joy Division, UNKLE, DJ Shadow, Groove Armada, and David Bowie.  The US version instead uses generic “public domain” or lame original music.   For instance, in the aforementioned episode, a presenter shows up in a mock DeLoreon based on the Back to the Future time machine. Instead of Huey Lewis and the News “Power of Love” they play a bland ‘almost Huey Lewis’ version of the song.

But the most glaring problem of this American spin-off is the hosts themselves. You don’t have the talented and charismatic trio of Jeremy Clarkson, James May and Richard Hammond.  Instead you have Adam Ferrara, Rutledge Wood and Tanner Foust, three guys with zero compatibility, zero charisma and zero interview skills. Part of the fun of Top Gear UK is how all three presenters interact and clash with one another. You have three different personalities who often butt heads and constantly poke fun at each other. In the US version, it’s like they try to make fun of one another, but it feels like they’re just phoning it in. Either that or they just are completely unfunny. I am told one them, Foust ,was a professional drift race driver. Seldom has a race car driver been able to double as an on-screen entertainer.  There’s a reason the Stig doesn’t talk. And why have a Stig if you don’t have any fun with him? In the UK, Clarkson introduces the Stig with a couple of funny “rumors” about secrets of his life and identity. (i.e. “Some say he sleeps upside-down like a bat and that it’s impossible for him to wear socks.”) This helps to create a mysterious cult around the Stig and who (or what) he really is! In the US, Ferrara just says “Here’s the Stig, watch him drive a car” or something to that effect. It’s called effort, people! Try some!

Anyways , the History Channel (yeah I don’t why it’s not Speed or Spike but whatever) will be airing the third season soon, continuing to beat this dead horse of a charade and making me wonder how the hell this show has not been cancelled. If you want to watch a great show concerning cars, go to BBC America and check out the original Top Gear. If you are having trouble sleeping and are out of Unisom, or maybe you’re just a masochist, by all means tune into the American Top Gear.