Hey! We Saw a Movie! - Machete Kills

This time around, we saw the continuing violent adventures of ex-Federale Machete Cortez and his continuing mission to eviscerate and decapitate all the evil-doers or just anyone who pisses him off. As always, this article will be separated into my review and the ‘wet spaghetti thrown against a wall and see what sticks’ type of thoughts from one Jonny Prophet.

Warning: Machete gives SPOILERS.

Toaster’s Contribution - Critiquing a movie like Machete Kills is a little bit difficult. You really need to understand the genre that it comes from. Machete Kills is a “grindhouse” flick, an over-the-top, extremely violent, often cheesy, very sexually explicit, so bad it’s good kind of movie. It’s a cake made of pure frosting. You really need to understand what a movie like this is going for. Otherwise, any guilty pleasure movie is sure to get a crappy review.

That said… Machete Kills was AWESOME! I happen to love guilty pleasure movies like this, hence my recurring Guilty Pleasure reviews (hey, I haven’t done one of those in a while… might need to do one for Halloween). I read a complaint from some critics that the first movie was vastly superior. It may have been better, but I fail to see how it was ‘vastly’ better. The biggest difference between the two is that the first movie was self-contained. Machete Kills leads directly into the “coming attractions” advertised sequel Machete Kills Again… In Space. I personally hope that despite the dismal box-office numbers this one got that we get the third of the trilogy. Setting it in space is like the cherry on the outlandish sundae that is the Machete series. 

There are a lot of returning characters from the first Machete flick. Michelle Rodriguez is back, Jessica Alba is briefly in the movie and I was really happy Tom Savini came back. We had new characters like El Camaleon, a face-changing hitman played by Walton Goggins, Cuba Gooding Jr., Lady Gaga and Antonio Banderas. Sofia Vergara was the homicidal brothel owner Desdemona who perpetuated Robert Rodriguez’s fetish for guns in weird places on the body, in this case gattling gun nipples and a “strap-on” revolver. Demian Bichir was fantastic as one of the two main villains as Marco Mendes, a psychotic cartel boss. Amber Heard was Miss San Antonio, a special agent assigned to work with Machete. She served her purpose with her greatest asset… she’s hot.

I also loved Zaror, the super henchman played by Marko Zaror (He was a lock to win that part, just like Tony Danza is automatically in the running for any character named Tony!) Zaror is a stunt man and martial artist, so he had some sick moves.  But I would expect nothing less from Mirageman! Of course, the best character was the President played by newcomer Carlos Estevez. (He kind of looked like that guy from Two and a Half Men who lost his mind a few years back.)

In another story of an actor trying to find career redemption in a Grindhouse flick, the main villain, the evil clairvoyant corporate mogul Voz, was played by Mel Gibson. He was pretty entertaining as the bad guy, a role I have never seen Gibson in before. (It may become the new norm of his “post-meltdown” career as he is set to be the main baddie in Expendables 3).  I hope they will get him to return for the third somehow.

Was Machete Kills a work of cinematic brilliance? No. But I didn’t go to a movie about blade wielding Mexican killing machine to scope out the next Oscar candidate. The movie was a lot of fun to watch and, being that I am probably a little sick in the head, pretty damn funny.

And now comes the part where I attempt to translate the psycho-babble that is Jonny Prophet’s review.

Jonny’s Contribution – 1. I want to see Machete Kills Again… In Space. 2. Danny Trejo killing people brings me joy. 3. Sexy chicks are always good. 4. Finally, Mel Gibson is lovable to me again. 5. I blame the government for why Machete Kills hasn’t done better at the box office.

Until the next review… Stay Strange!