I have a few observations and questions about the Star Wars movies.
Just indulge me here.
Okay, so the time between Episode III and Episode IV is
around twenty years, right? I’m basing this on Luke’s approximate age in A New
Hope. Yet, according to Han Solo in that same movie Jedis and the Force are
just a myth. Come on! Maybe… MAYBE after 100 years, but twenty? Millions if not
billions of beings in the galaxy were alive during the Clone Wars and many of
them would have remembered the Jedi or fought against or alongside them.
Regardless of the Jedi smear campaign Palpatine created after Order 66, I find
it hard to believe that the Jedi and their ability to tap into The Force would
be relegated to myths and folklore after only a couple of decades. I mean, I
remember there being an East and West Germany. If someone were to
try to expunge that from the record and convince the world that ther was never
a Berlin Wall, I would disagree. Plus, young Han Solo was alive during the
Clone Wars. It makes no damn sense!
And why was the war called The Clone Wars? Was it just
because Yoda said it at the end of Episode II? Shouldn’t it have been called
The Separatist Wars? I mean, the clones were only one side of the war and
technically it was the side with the droids that started it in the first place.
At the very least it should have been called The Droid Wars.
Why did Anakin have to be the one to build C-3PO? What would
his mother, a slave, need with a protocol droid? Why was he even made to be a
genius with building machines? Did this ever come up again? Did Darth Vader
replace his own leg when it stopped working? When Jonny Prophet and I saw The
Phantom Menace in 3D (Yes, he have the complete Star Wars saga on Blu-Ray but still paid to see it in the theater just
because it was in 3D. We are tools.) Jonny noticed that it seems Anakin isn’t
so much a genius with machines as he just flips switches and pushes buttons
until something works.
What’s great about the Pod Racing scene is that we have no
idea how a Pod Racer works. It’s a total suspended belief! Oh No! One of
Anakin’s thrusters doesn’t work; its okay, he can switch out power from the
other thruster and BAM! He’s good to go! Oh No! A cable came off. That’s okay,
Anakin, a young boy, can easily reach out a magnetic staff, grab the cable and
hook it back up. Don’t worry, he can flip switches and everything despite
flying at velocities so fast no other human can manage and still not run into
anything.
So Qui Gon decides to venture into Mos Eisley. Who does he
bring with him? Does he bring his apprentice Obi Wan, a guy who is intelligent
and can hold hid own in a fight? No, he leaves him and brings along the retard
(Jar Jar Binks). Couldn’t Qui Gon have just offered up Jar Jar to Watto in
exchange for the starship parts? “Shut up Jar Jar, you owe me a life debt. You
stay here and pay it.”
Why did the droid army work off of a central remote on the
Trade Federation spaceship? They were clearly automatons (which mean a fully
functioning self reliant robot with some level of artificial
intelligence). They walked around on
their own, patrolled, held conversations… hell, one even cracked a joke when
talking to Qui Gon. Why would they all be controlled from space? How could they all be controlled from
space? They were obviously programmed to interact and had some level of problem
solving abilities. That is not the behavior of a robot with limited
capabilities.
At the end of Episode III Yoda informs Obi Wan that his
deceased master Qui Gon had found a way to live on as a spirit through the
force and wanted to speak to him. I would have liked to have seen that
exchange.
“Hey, Qui Gon, it’s good to see you. Yeah, it’s cool that
you can live on through the force… say… remember that kid from Tattooine… yeah,
Anakin, remember him? How you just had to train him as a Jedi even though I
said it was a bad idea, and Mace Windu said it was a bad idea and even Yoda
said it was a bad idea? Yeah, did you happen to see what just happened? Did you
see what that kid you had to make
into a Jedi did? He turned to the frickin’ dark side, you ass! He helped
Palpatine take over the Republic and get us all hunted down. Yoda and I, we’re
it! We’re all that’s left! All the other Jedi are dead. Oh, but that’s not all,
he helped ransack the Jedi temple and then, are you ready, killed the
younglings! Then he flew to that lava planet and slaughtered all the Separatist
leaders! Yeah, sounds like the work of the Chosen One to me! But don’t worry,
I’m fine. I was able to defeat him by getting on the high ground. No, it’s
where I get up on a higher elevation while he was floating on a river of lava.
No, he didn’t just float farther down and jump onto the high ground with
me. He decided to try to jump over me. I
guess he forgot about the lightsaber in my hand. Needless to say, I had to cut
off his legs and one good arm. I left him a burning head and torso with his one
robot arm. So, hey, thanks for going against everyone’s advice, separating the
kid from his mom, which really left him permanently psychologically damaged by
the way, dying and getting me to have to train the boy that would one day
destroy our entire culture and plunge the galaxy into death and bloodshed. Now
if you’ll excuse me I’m going to live in a cave for the next twenty or so years
on a planet that never rains and is always a brisk 120 degrees. Asshole.”
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