In "Twas the Night Before Christmas" the narrator goes to bed with a night cap. Nobody ever wears hats to bed anymore. Why is that? At some point between the time when that poem was written and now, they were just phased out? Can you even buy night caps anymore? And what about those pajamas with the butt flap? Who makes those and more importantly who buys them? Is there a strong market for people who have bowel movements at night but refuse to sacrifice warmth to do so?
Getting back to Christmas, how many television and movie versions of Dickens' A Christmas Carol exist? I swear you have live action ones with George C. Scott, Patrick Stewart and etc., there's a Disney one, a Looney Tunes one, Flintstones, Muppets, that creepy Jim Carrey one... the list goes on and on. How many times can you tell that same story? What new thing can you possibly bring to the table? I think after Bill Murray's Scrooged there really isn't much more creativity to bring to that story...
...except steampunk. Why has nobody ever made a steampunk version of A Christmas Carol? It took place in the Victorian era, you're halfway there! I'm not sure what aspects of the story would be steampunk. I'm picturing instead of Tiny Tim having a crutch, he has some sort of mechanical leg harness. And I can see the Ghost of Christmas Past riding on some sort of steam powered cross between a helicopter and that spinning time machine from the 1960's The Time Machine movie. And everyone has goggles... lots of goggles. I want to see this happen now.
That Patrick Stewart Christmas Carol really could have just been a weird Next Generation episode. The Ghost of Christmas Past looked like one of their creepy aliens. It could have all been a Holo-deck screw -up. Or better yet, it was all Q! Yeah, Q was just doing a little Dickensian mindtrip on Picard! I miss Q.
You know when Scrooge opens the shutters and asks the boy "What day is it?" Upon finding out it's Christmas, he tosses the kid a schilling to buy a Christmas goose for him. What if the kid just kept the schilling and said "Sod off ya old pillock" and walked away? What would Scrooge have done? Would Scrooge have just sat there waiting for the goose all day? Would the kid's selfish act have undone all the good the three Christmas spirits had impressed on Ebenezer, making him believe that everyone really are a-holes so why bother helping them?
Christmas goose... that's something that never really took off wasn't it?
So Scrooge McDuck was also visited by three spirits on Christmas Eve night. Did this take place before or after the events of Ducktales? Because he seemed pretty greedy on that show. I mean he fired his pilot, causing the poor guy to have to become a sidekick to a vigilante in another city. So how was Glumgold worse that Scrooge? How was he the good greedy duck? Where was that distinction made? For all we know Glumgold was helping other anthropomorphic things in poor African villages and needed rare jewels to finance his charity. All Scrooge needed the treasure for was filling his money bin so he could swim in it. Who's the real greedy duck in that scenario?
What the hell was wrong with Tiny Tim, anyway? In all the versions of A Christmas Carol I have seen, he was sickly, walked with a crutch and if daddy didn't bring home more cash, he was going to die. What ailment did that? If it was polio, Scrooge could have thrown money at it all day and it wasn't going to do any good! I don't get it.
How are there 12 Days of Christmas but an Advent Calendar has 24? Who decided on 12 days of Christmas? Some guy just said "Today is December 14th and so begins the 12 day journey to Christmas. Bring on the dozen drummers! Would 13 days of Christmas have been bad luck? Or would that have infringed on Hanukkah?
Lastly, how did the characters of Ice Age celebrate Christmas? They predate civilized man, certainly the Roman era that Christ lived in. At least the Star Wars characters had the decency to call their big celebration "Life Day" since clearly they had no idea who Jesus Christ was or if he ever even existed for their reality. I mean, what loving God would create Jar Jar Binks? I rest my case.
Merry Christmas.
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