Some call them B-Movies, others call them Grindhouse flicks
or Drive-in movies. Some will say they’re just bad. All I know is that they’re
Guilty Pleasures.
If you’re like me, Mystery Science Theater 3000 is one of
your favorite shows ever and you love watching and making fun of cheesy, bad
movies. Of course, some of these are (much) better than others. But fear not
for this series of reviews will delve into the world of strange, deranged and
laughably bad movies to show you what can truly be called the Guilty Pleasures
“cream of the crap” and what is just plain crap.
To begin this ongoing series of reviews, I will tap into the
Christmas spirit with one of my (and Tivogirl’s) favorite guilty pleasure bad
movies… Santa’s Slay. Don’t worry, I’m keeping the spoilers to a
minimum.
So you probably think that Santa Claus is a lovable man who
every year brings presents to all the good children of the world and spreads
joy and the Christmas spirit wherever he goes. Well you’re WRONG! He’s the
spawn of Satan himself who slaughters and tortures people in a path of violence
and bloodshed and gore every December 25th. Bet you didn’t know all that when you were
writing letters to him as a child, huh?
You see, Santa was born of Immaculate Conception by Satan
and a virgin. Every year December 25th was a “Day of Slaying” for
the son of Satan until he lost a curling match to an angel in 1005 AD. The
stipulation of the bet was that Santa could not kill anyone for 1000 years and
on Christmas day he had to give presents to all the children of the world. So, as you might expect, the movie takes place
in 2005… and Santa is pissed. He has a list all right, but everyone’s naughty!
And therefore, everyone must die.
The story centers around a teenage boy named Nicolas
Yuleson, whose crazy grandfather not only hates Christmas but has built a
massive bunker in their basement to survive the holiday. When he asks his
grandpa why he has such a problem with Christmas, he is handed an old book
explaining the true origin of Santa Claus. Of course, Nicolas doesn’t believe
this story until he ends up the target of the evil Santa’s wrath.
This movie is a hilarious black comedy. It’s the kind of bad
movie that knows it’s bad and just has a lot of fun with it. It features lots
of over the top violence, such as Santa using a stripper pole to kill a bouncer
or stabbing a Jewish deli owner and pinning him to the wall with his own menorah.
Even Santa’s sleigh pulling “Helldeer” eats a man alive at one point. Forget
Billy Bob Thornton, this is one truly BAD Santa!
This guilty pleasure features something most films of this
nature do not… lots of stars. Santa Claus himself is played by former
professional wrestler Bill Goldberg. Yes, I know that professional wrestlers
turned actors often make for automatic bad movies, but Goldberg really did a
great and hilarious job. Santa with Muscles this is not. (Ugh… damn you Hulk
Hogan) Nicolas is played by Douglas Smith (from Big Love), his girlfriend Mac
is Emilie de Ravin (of Lost). Grandpa was played by the late Robert Culp (I
Spy, The Greatest American Hero). Nicolas’ boss Mr. Green is played by Saul
Rubinek (Warehouse 13). Plus there were a ton of cameo appearances from the
likes of James Cann, Fran Drescher, Chris Kattan and Dave Thomas as a
lecherous, stripper loving priest.
Santa’s Slay is one of my favorite guilty pleasures of all
time. If you’re looking for a holiday movie to escape the schmaltzy sappy crap
on TV with a lot of dark humor and a high body count, I recommend straight up
buying it. The movie has become a yearly viewing event in my household. On the
Guilty Pleasure scale of 0 to 4, I give Santa’s Slay the full 4 bloody
sharpened candy canes (****)
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